I wrote a hit play

reocurring theme: willie nelson is 69 years young today. happy birthday big red.

what do you get when you mix a guy going to dinner and drinking sangria with a sexy co-ed drinkin' red wine? two drunk fucks. who then truck it to gingerman's, play some bitchin' tunes in the jukebox, and later add another girl to the mix? I'm certainly still intoxicated...and that's not such a bad thing. so last night I lost a pool game (actually I let them win) so now I'm paying for these girls and I's trip to vegas around memorial weekendish. sin city here I come.

wayniac

Posted by Stan at 4/30/2002 | Permalink

j&l,
y'all looked hot as a baker...

'cause I'm naughty by nature, not 'cause I hate yah,
trench

Posted by Stan at 4/30/2002 | Permalink

stop the presses!

I just found out I will be attending the new orleans compaq classic in addition to the jazz and heritage festival this weekend. meaning, that I will be in the presence of the greatness of steve elkinton. what light is to a vampire, what midnight is to cinderella, and what a full moon is to a thrilleresque jacko will pale in comparisson to the cataclismic event that will take place when two manimals like ourselves converge on the new orleans pga scene.

you have been warned,
trumanstradamus

Posted by Stan at 4/29/2002 | Permalink

fun weekend...for a while there I thought I was back up in austin. just about everything we did here is usually associated with our austin routine. saturday we went to a friend's house. ate some fajitas, drank a lot of beer and walked to this ice house. left there and walked to a pub. we closed the place down and went back for late night festivities at her place. sunday was begun with chinese and back to her place to lay around watching TV all day.
I have come to the conclusion that God placed def leppard on this earth to give strippers music to dance to.

for those of you who believe in a higher power, or synchronicity, or...whatever. anna k. is ranked # 69 in women's tennis.

next time you go to a tanning salon, make sure they don't have one of their pointed at you...sun bed cam.

someone was going to digitize this sooner or later...the oracle of kevin bacon.

bizzaro "I wrote a hit play"...pornolized

rock on,
'80s glam rock band

Posted by Stan at 4/29/2002 | Permalink

a whole day wasted. such are the consequences of getting less than 2hrs of shut eye last night/today.

things I was supposed to do today:
1. drive to navasota/anderson
2. pick up my dry cleaning
3. buy guitar strings
4. buy plane tickets
5. do the dishes
6. put up the liquor bottles
9. nap

what I've done so far:
1. told my mom I was on my way, bullshit I was still in bed
2. can't find my claim ticket
3. played my friend's guitar instead
4. called the people I'm visiting and asked them to make reservations for me
5. put water on all my dishes and I'm letting them soak
6. made myself a drink
9. hung out

so my friend had a slight crisis last night. she called me at 4am, but I was unavailable. I felt terrible when I heard what happened. this would not have taken placed had I hung out with her last night, like we had planned. but things took a turn in a different direction, and we ended up passing each other on westheimer. she was going to meet me, I was going somewhere else. as soon as I run into the guilty party I plan on force feeding him a heaping teaspoon of common sense.

I never met an OG who never did shit wrong,
eazy-e

Posted by Stan at 4/27/2002 | Permalink

phone fun...thanks to ally.

dial 1-800-564-8982
press 2
when the next recording comes on, dial 5228

enjoy,
Dr. Joycelyn Elders
former U.S. Surgeon General

Posted by Stan at 4/26/2002 | Permalink

hey hey its a great day
billy madison is only working half a day
the billy madison waaay

friday five

1. What are your hobbies? there was a time when I used to enjoys various hobbies such as: golf, the outdoors, attending college footteste games, and lion taming. All my time outside of the office seem to be consumed by drinking and all activities associated with it.

2. Do you collect anything? If so, what? I collect all sorts of traffic violations (driving the wrong way on a one way street, speeding, following too close, etc.). then, I add my own little exciting twist by missing all my court dates, and letting those violations turn into arrest warrants.

3. Is there a hobby you are interested in, but just don't have the money/time to do? I would like to follow in fred DURSTS' footsteps by attending ALL the parties at the playboy mansion. unfortunately, my work commitments keep me grounded here in texas.

4. Have you turned a hobby into a moneymaking opportunity? I used to charge beer on a credit card my dad paid for and I would turn around and sell it to friends. I had an unbelievable profit margin.

5. Besides web-related stuff (burbs, rings, etc.), what clubs do you belong to? I once drank all the beers they sold at bennigan's, I got a cool little trinket to mark my accomplishment. if only I could find it.

Posted by Stan at 4/26/2002 | Permalink

alex:

dumbass...how could you not pick trista?

oh well,
me

Posted by Stan at 4/25/2002 | Permalink

so I left work an hour early today. my reward for getting my tasks done on time, yeah right. my otherwise uneventful commute was thrown a golden wrench. I was zipping along, jammin' to my tunes when I saw this fuck'n hubcap fly out of nowhere. the road was slick, and I was doing about 72mph, I would have rolled over or done sort of evil knivel shit had I turned the wheel too fast. so I just ran over the focker. somehow it got jammed on the under side of my car, and I had a little plastic stowaway the rest of the way.
before encountering this I was thinking about the irony of my music tastes. its funny how someone who projects a clean-cut image can be so into gansta rap. music watchdogs continually complain that gansta rap albums are sending negative messages of violence and misogyny to america's youth. if that's the case, young kids have developed a college-level ability to decipher the increasingly confusing language of rap. are these blowhards actually listening to the music or just basing their perceptions of the music on the gangsta image that such artists exude? as a service to my loyal readers I'm prepared to act as your ambassador to the hip-hop culture by translating some of your favorite rap lyrics so you don't start a turf war the next time you're blasting eazy-e or dr. dre on the wrong side of the tracks.
let examine "izzo" by the jiggaman jay-z.

H to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
fo' shizzle my nizzle used to dribble down in va
was herbin' em in the home o' the terrapins
got it dirt cheap for them
plus if they was short wit' cheese I would work wit' them
boy and we...got rid of that dirt for them
wasn't born hustlers I was burpin' em
H to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
fo' sheezy my neezy keep my arms so greasy
can't leave rap alone the game needs me
haters want me clapped and chromed - it ain't easy
cops wanna knock me, d.a. wanna box me in
but somehow, I beat them charges like rocky
H to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
not guilty, he who does not feel me is not real to me
therefore he doesn't exist
so poof...vamoose son of a bitch

broken down
don't forget, my friend, at one time in my life I dealt narcotics in the state of virginia. well, not necessarily narcotics, but I did sell marijuana there. I got a good price from my distributor, so I was able to reduce my overhead, and when my customers still couldn't afford my prices, I'd still find a way to complete the transaction. through compromise and savvy business practices, we both got what we wanted. I've been doing this so long, I can remember when several of today's "gangstas" were still in diapers. forgive me, but I have to mention my name again. there can be little doubt that once you become a rapper, it's a hard business to turn your back on. but in my case, the industry needs me more than I need it. sadly, with fame come several problems: 1. my unworthy competitors would like to see me fail, but the likelihood of that happening is not very good 2. police officers would like to beat me in the same way they assaulted rodney king, and 3. the local district attorney is accusing me of several crimes in order to put me behind bars. somehow I find a way to fight off the charges like sly stallone. it's about time for me to mention my name again. now allow me to get quasi-philosophical: I am physically unable to visualize the man who cannot appreciate my music or recognize my status as a demi-god. and, therefore he does not reside on my plane of existence

lyrics courtesy of www.azlyrics.com

out,
wordsmith

p.s. look for tomorrow's "friday five" which will become an end of the weekday establishment in this weblog.

Posted by Stan at 4/25/2002 | Permalink

spinning: cat stevens tea for the tillerman
scent: givenchy
lunch: quizno's turkey & swiss

let me begin by saying that my mood could only be rivaled by that of a saturday morning during college footteste season. hurry up and get here. it started by me leaving work an hour early to do a favor for a friend. as always, I got there and we didn't do shit. we watched TV, had some drinks, played the guitar, if we had found the footteste we would have thrown it around a bit. talk about 5300 redux. next, we got a call requesting our presence at the super trooper bar around 8ish. we got there at 9.
the smirnoff girls gave me a smirnoff ice 6 or 9 minutes after I walked in. starting the night out with a free drink has to be a good omen. and it was. we ran into a bunch of people I knew from college and high school. the place was absolutely packed for a wed. night. shit, even the old folks who were there for a post-engament party were boozin' it up. I'll have to say I took the trophy for being the subject of the night's best story, told by adam.
this guy asked my friend and I about the tenacious d concert, he then thanked us for not telling him about it. we had no idea he was a fan. I gave him my thoughts, n8 gave him his. then adam tells me "by the way, did you ever take kim lay to the show?". I had no idea what he was talking about. well turns out a few fridays ago, n8 and I stubbled into this bar after tearing this other watering hole a new one. to this day we don't know how we found the staghead pub. anyway, I ran into an older girl and somehow tenacious d came up. and next thing you know, she's seranating me, and I'm singing back to her. a cream dream fueled sonet duel, if you will. I ended up writting her number on a dollar bill. totally forgot about it, and spent it at whataburger after we closed down the place. oh well, there'll be others. so if you ever read this, now you'll know why I never called. if I was too drunk to remember, it never happened

unleash the fury, mitch!
barry

Posted by Stan at 4/25/2002 | Permalink

undershirts
one little thing I miss about college is not having to buy undershirts. sororities always made sure you had a steady supply. today, I'm wearing my "kappa klassic '98" t-shirt. this shirt has certainly seen better days. soon it will end up as bedding for my dog, he's quite fond of sleeping on old t-shirts, and used stuff in general (yesterday's paper, dirty laundry, my sleeping bag). he has these monogrammed towels that he never took a liking to. there must be something about dogs and new stuff, who knows maybe its the smell. truman hates new stuff, you buy him a tennis ball and he won't play with it unless its all scuffed up and dirty. you put on a new collar on him, and he'll drag himself on the dirt to get rid of the new smell. I wish I was more like him. I like new stuff, one of my favorite scents is that of a shower curtain pulled from the plastic baggie they sell them in.

bob villa

Posted by Stan at 4/24/2002 | Permalink

lights out: 4:34am
revellie: 7:45am

I could not fall asleep last night. I tried reading, and just when I thought I was going to doze off I just layed there wide awake. don't you hate it when you have a million things racing through your mind?

last night I had me a nightmare
dreamed that texas was burning down...burning down
and all them people, I had grown up to love
leaving town
chorus:
I cried "oh holy moses, bring blood to the red red sea
bring back townes VAN ZANDT, and my heroes back to me
because I can play their songs, but it ain't they way they do
it ain't they way they do."
i had a nightmare, a nightmare, it was a nightmare.

buddy HOLLY was riding on the wind
stevie RAY, well he was too
when their star, come tumbling to the ground
wasn't a thing that all the king's horses
and all the king's men could do
me I've just got my ol' bar stool
and man it's burning me down...burning me down
just like a brush fire, that burns on through the night
one of these days I'm just going
these days I'm going to burn on out

Posted by Stan at 4/24/2002 | Permalink

end of workday...linda LOVELACE star of the most successful porn film "deep throat" died today. which arises one obvious question. do porn stars die in threes?

I'm out,
beef ROCKMOORE

Posted by Stan at 4/23/2002 | Permalink

note to self: stay strong

prefiero morir parado que vivir en rodillas.

never settle for less...playahz stay up,
me

Posted by Stan at 4/23/2002 | Permalink

accidental porn...you would think someone on their staff would raise a red flag at this



tropppphhies are goooood,
lloyd CHRISTMAS

Posted by Stan at 4/23/2002 | Permalink

the bachelor...from day one my two favorites have been trista and shannon. unfortunately, shannon's bug up her ass never crawled out and died. hence, she got the pink slip.
trista had been pretty reserved up until last week, when she begun to let her wall down. I think she is still putting up a front, but at least she's letting everyone see how cool she is. my vote is that alex picks trista. she's fuck'n hot.

Posted by Stan at 4/23/2002 | Permalink

in order to address recent changes to this journal I've conducted a self-interview with the author

interview edition

me: i'm here with myself, creator and keeper of this weblog regarding some of the changes here at "I wrote a hit play". I'm sure your readers are wondering, why the one 180? Is it safe to say you no longer consider this blog to be good to the last drop?


myself: "humongous time" never planned to be or called itself good to the last drop. but, I guess to answer your first question I was ready for a change. the thing that distinguishes humans from animala and fauna is that plants and animals from day today are the same thing, they have no choice what to be. humans...everyday, every hour, every minute, are deciding what to be. I decided that "humongous time", while it always will reflect me, was no longer appealing.

me: facinating. well we can clearly see that you aren't calling this the-blog-formerly-known-as-humongous time. why the name "I wrote a hit play"?


myself: I'm just a big fan of the movie rushmore. such play was the protagonist's ticket into the prestigious prep school. when the headmaster, Dr. Guggenheim, threatened to expulse max from school, max reminded him that he had written a hit play as a last ditch effort to save his ass. while I have yet to write a "hit" play, I feel that everytime some reads this for the first time I have to give them a reason to come back. this project, like max, grows on you. give it time, and you'll be hooked. but the underlying reason for all of this: I'm too fickle to keep everything the same.

me: and I think thats all the time we have for this afternoon. thank you, myself, for your time.


myself: not a problem. have a blessed day.

Posted by Stan at 4/22/2002 | Permalink

saturday morning panorama

it looks like layne STALEY of alice in chains might have finally put himself in the grave with his constant drug abuse. damn it, layne...aic was one of the coolest bands around. drugs are bad, mmmkay?

this is an archived copy of the first www page ever

somebody get me one of these controversial shirts

this guy got nabbed for trying to sneak a "pot burrito" to a pig

a case of "fire ball" gone terribly wrong. didn't these kids see what happened when they tried to do this on revenge of the nerds?

keep it real homeys,
jim's dad

Posted by Stan at 4/20/2002 | Permalink

overheard in the office today "what in the heck is a brass monkey?" proving that sometimes there's value in the least-expected places, I seem to have discovered the answer . other useless trivia found there: 'stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. a pregnant goldfish is called a twit. cat urine fluoresces under ultraviolet light. stick with me and I'll take you places, alright.

mr. wizard

Posted by Stan at 4/20/2002 | Permalink

which 80s hair band are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

on a steel horse I ride,
jon bon jovi

Posted by Stan at 4/19/2002 | Permalink

down the crapper...
I was to be in austin by now. but alas, it is not so. my dog is sick, I just got back from the vet. he's got kennel cough and now has to take a bunch of pills for the next ten days. I'm grounded in my home base for tonight, boo. I'll be getting a good nights sleep, while the rest of the clan will be partying in the live music capital of the world. oh well, I'll be joining them tomorrow if my pup is well enough to travel.

scooby

Posted by Stan at 4/19/2002 | Permalink

a friend suggested I post ol' war stories. what a grand idea, and I'm going to grant her wish

a case of le noir ball

best advise I got from my room mate freshman year: never piss off a girl, because girls have friends. little did I know it was going to bite me in the ass.

I met this girl at a party, circa fall '97, we hung out for a bit at first and we parted ways during the winter break. things got a bit more intense after the holidays and the visits became more frequent. she would show up at my place late at night under the guise of wanting to get away from her strict dorm (the hard on house, as we used to call it). soon we started having a lot of fun together, the kinda that high school under classmen cheerish and college men lament. it got old pretty quick. she kinda went off to do her own thing about a week, and I interpreted that as a sign it was over.
not being a spring chicken, I was soon looking for a change of scenery. I went to this bar tab with a buddy (travis) and his girlfriend (christina). there I met christina's high school friend, karen. she was something else. I asked christina to set up, and she agreed to help me out. christina would bring karen out with us, and we'd all get fucked up together...it was great. then all of the sudden the old girl shows up again. I had enough of her shit and sent her packing. funny how easy it is to turn someone down when you got a trophy fawn in the crosshairs.
anyway, the old girl and I started being cool again. I was talking to her one night and I told her I had the hots for this girl, but I didn't tell her her name. I only told her what sorority she was in. she said her suite mate was in her sorority and maybe she could put in a good word on my behalf. no thanks, I said, I already had her friend from her high school helping me. and if another helper came along she would smell a rat.
so one afternoon at jaime's happy hour we started playing a round of "I've never". my friend was out to get me and he said "I've never made out with a cajun". of course, I was the only one who had to drink, for the old girl was from baton rouge. and everyone asked for details and I brought her up again. I said it sorta ended bad, and all this shit. and travis added a few choice comments too, about how bad she sucked yadda yadda yadda. then karen goes "is she a so and so (sorority)?". yeah, I said, how did you know?. "that's really funny, because that's my room mate you asshole, see you later"

isn't it ironic?
alanis morrisette

Posted by Stan at 4/19/2002 | Permalink

mission accomplished...my friend. my socks have been rocked off, and my ass has been blown out. to be followed by a more detailed and tastier concert review.

be you angels?
shiny demon

Posted by Stan at 4/18/2002 | Permalink

I'm going to be the butt of all office jokes for the rest of the week...after what just happened to me. an out of state friend asked me to locate and perhaps procure some panties or thongs with a texas flag for her. she's hosting a bachelorette party on saturday and they are to bring a pair of underwear for the bride-to-be to guess who they belong to. because she's spent so much time in the lone star state she thought it would be good for her to bring some texan undies. I called around various places, and this one shop had them. I gave her the number, she called it. then she told me she got someone's personal answering machine, and thought I was pulling her chain. I offered to call the number back to verify it. only this time I hung up to take a call before someone picked up. so, of course they *69ed my ass. I had a business call and it was answered by a secretary. she buzzed me to tell me "you have a personal call from fantasy funwear on line 2".

so kids, the moral of the story is: never use your work phone to call shady places.

aesop

Posted by Stan at 4/17/2002 | Permalink

so I got ZERO sleep last night. normaly, I would spend the rest of my day anticipating going home to crash on my couch, on my bed, or someone else's bed after taking care of my responsibilites for the day. that option is unavailable for me today. I don't even know how I'm still functioning, my adrenaline reserves are about as drained as enron's corporate coffers. but that's okay. tonight I'm going to have my face's ass blown by the greatest band in the world, and have it gradually rebuilt by the power of their songs.

...that's okay my will is good,
nirvana lithium

Posted by Stan at 4/17/2002 | Permalink

which children's storybook character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

Posted by Stan at 4/16/2002 | Permalink

where's ronnie?

my tribute to this long expected movie release. the ever elusive ronnie dobbs.



bulls on parade,
zach delarocha

Posted by Stan at 4/16/2002 | Permalink

cd in player: the smiths the singles
useless wallet content: my 'electric cowboy' membership card
looking for: someone who will wrap my bro's bday present
looking for: wrapping paper


shoes a.c. green will love to wear: gospel shoes

now you will know what it's like to walk in chris jacks...errrrrr matmud adhur-raif's shoes: tourette syndrome stimulator

this guy has it all figured out: mackanova

proof that teen wolf is such an unappreciated movie:

"there are 3 rules to live by: never get less then 12 hours of sleep, never play cards with a guy who has the first name of a city, and never date a woman who has a tattoo of a dagger on her body. you stick with that, everything else is cream cheese!"

hey chubbs, how's the diet?
stiles

Posted by Stan at 4/16/2002 | Permalink

weekend aftermath...

actual AIM chat transcript between yours truly and an innocent victim of a drunk dial.

me: so I sounded pretty bad friday?
her: hell yes
her: and i was tired as shit
me: I'm sorry about that
me: I had no idea what time it was
her: it's okay
her: i was waiting for william to call anyway
me: its not going to happen again, I only called because you said you were going to be up late anyway
me: was william drunk like I was?
her: no, he had been working
me: he works funny hours, is he a male nurse?
her: NO
her: he has 2 jobs
me: I bet he's a male nurse, he's just too ashamed to tell you
her: yeah right

oh no sir, I pass on grass,
gaylord focker

Posted by Stan at 4/15/2002 | Permalink

even in my dreams...
so last night I dreamt that my friend called me from this house. I raced out to meet him in front of this old house on texas avenue, on the south side of 59, that was up for sale. we walked through his huge one story victorian style abode. my whole dream was peppered with "resets". there was a white '69 cadillac deville in the garage, the payments were going to be around $250 a month, which was about what I spent friday night, the place had a pseudo guest house, and there was a keg shell sitting in plain view in the front yard. the freakiest thing was walking into this big room in the back and seeing three people sitting there watching tv. they were: that little kid from rushmore who pops up in a lot of scenes, and this friend of mine from high school AND her boyfriend.
the reason being I saw them at this bar we went to friday night. if you saw, hung out, or talked to me friday night/saturday morning you knew just in what kind of condition I was in...not good. I somehow determined he was bellow par for her, and I was going to "take him out" to clear the way for my friend to steal her away. I was told, yours truly has no recollection of this, that I went up to him (with my friend's louis vuitton purse on my right arm mind you) talked some shit and walked away after my confrontation wasn't reciprocated. yeah, I had my compadres on my toes, for they know about my loose cannon ways. he either 1. didnt' hear me well or 2. he was a poosay. in retrospect, I'm glad nothing happend for having to bail out a second person in two days is quite a lot of ask of a friend, hahaha (I'll let y'all figure that one out).
so, I ran into this dude AGAIN yesterday afternoon while I was letting my dog do his business outside my friend's pad. shit, this guy keeps popping up everywhere even in my dreams. I too was holding a beer in my hand, but luckily we were separated by a fence. just kidding, I wasn't going to do anything. I just morph into this over protective beast when I'm on the sauce sometimes. maybe I should get that checked out. or maybe my friends should stop hanging out with "sucks".

merc.

Posted by Stan at 4/15/2002 | Permalink

was there ever any doubt?


Your the thong. Your the spunky one out of all friends.
You keep having fun till it kills you. You always except a challenge and
never back down. You love taking risks and you hold nothing back.

Which underwear are you?

Posted by Stan at 4/14/2002 | Permalink

what a crazy day...I can't write much about it now, for I'm on my way out the door. but my mom was on TV today! she's out of town, so I can't congratulate her personally. I left her a message on her cell phone, which I know will go unchecked. the message will sit there for about two weeks, then she'll call me and ask me to check them for her. and it will go something like this:

*ring, ring ring*me: hello
mom: hey can you please check the messages on my phone for me?
me:hmmm, okay...are you sure the message waiting icon is on?
mom: yeah, I see it
me: okay, I'll do it right away
*hang up*
*dialing*
*ring, ring*
mom: hello
me: hey why did you pick up the phone? I'm trying to check your messages
mom: well the phone rang so I picked it up.
me: of course it rang, I have to call it so I can check them. hang up and turn the phone off.
mom: okay
*hang up*
(after a minute) *ring*
at this point I hear a bunch of ladies talking in the background, and I can tell my mom is digging for the phone in her purse
mom: hello
me: (silent and fuming)
mom: hello, hello, hellooooo, aaarrreeeee you going speak?
me: its me again, do you want me to check your messages or not? if you keep answering the phone I can't check them, geez
mom: okay, okay, okay
*hang up*
so I finally am able to check the messages, which consist of about 20 hang ups, my old message, and about ten messages from my dad saying "hello, (mom's name) if you are there pick up your phone...if you can hear me pick up, pick up, pick up"

out,

cingular in h-town

Posted by Stan at 4/12/2002 | Permalink

I know sometimes I write like a first grader. but I do that out of sheer laziness...

thank you very much, miss lippy!!

billy madison

Posted by Stan at 4/11/2002 | Permalink

bevo XIII (aka sunshine express) is due to be retired this season. I have mixed feelings about this, I was hoping he would reign over our next national championship. but he's been holding down the fort for a long time. well maybe we can bring him and his protege out on the field at the fiesta bowl. his replacement is a 3 year old steer named spur, how appropriate. the new bevo XIV is of far better dispossition. I'll never forget the time when lee corso tried to pet bevo XIII and nearly got run over.

texas fight

Posted by Stan at 4/11/2002 | Permalink

good deed of the day: rescued a squirrel from emminent death.

truman (my dog) chased a squirrell into le hot tub. the poor rodent was hanging for his life on one of the nozzles. truman is also deathly afraid of my harmonica. which is funny because the silent whistle doesn't phaze him. maybe my harp emmits some sort of screeching tone which only a canine ear can pick up. with my good deed out of the way I'm off to get drunk.

hasta mañana,
big pun

p.s. this squirrell made sounds just like the gopher on caddyshack.

Posted by Stan at 4/09/2002 | Permalink

deep thoughts...

next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. and if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. good magic trick, huh?

I have a food network watching date tonight,
a touring cook

Posted by Stan at 4/09/2002 | Permalink

internal dilemma...what to do the first weekend of may?

stay for the dmb series of concerts at the woodlands. or go to nola for jazzfest? if I stay here I'll probably leave work early that friday morning. pick up some compadres, truck our aces up north and proceed to drown our sorrows in 'cohol. concerts will be pretty uneventful, for we have been unable to acquire full access priveledges through our normal channels.
on the other hand, I've been promised a whale of a time in the big easy. not only will I get to see uncle jimbo buffett. but, I've been told I could possibly get to meet keri from the real world chicago. as of now I'm leaning towards taking my show on the road. I missed out on mardi gras, and I have to totally reddeem myself.

should I stay or should I go?
big audio dynamite

p.s. I took the nfl's wonderlic test and I scored a 50. that's the highest possible score for you sports fans listening at home. dan marino scored a 16, drew bledsoe a 26, and steve young a 33.

Posted by Stan at 4/09/2002 | Permalink

3 favorite scenes from kicking & screaming *ding*:

otis: wait! I want to see if they get the stain out
skippy: it's a detergent commercial; they are gonna get the stain out
otis: well, I just want to see it

grover: I gotta go. I gotta go sleep with a freshman
max: yeah, me too

otis: do you ever forget things when you drink?
max: you mean blackout?
otis, no, not blacking out. just forgetting things.
max: are you wearing a pajama top?
otis: no

go away cookie man,
max

Posted by Stan at 4/08/2002 | Permalink

so I had to drive home in the midst of torrential rains at 2am last night. the gale force winds were blowing my sled side to side. combined with inch deep water and talking on the phone at the same time made for a rather interesting drive. I think alcohol makes me see better and drive better as well. everyone else was driving 45mph and had their hazards on. speedracer over here was flying past them at 70mph. that's milezzzzzzah.

disclaimer at the bottom of a car comercial:
professional driver on a closed course, do not try yourself

you know you are in a shady part of town when your geriatric waiter is wearing a tongue ring. and to think the fucker had the audacity for making fun of me for playing "oops...I did it again" on the jukebox. what a flamer.


I like my beer cold, my tv loud, and my homosexuals flaaaaaaaming,
homer j. simpson

Posted by Stan at 4/08/2002 | Permalink

you know it...






Take the "What Kind of Southerner Are You?" Test!


Created by

MadShrubbery




gtt,
me

Posted by Stan at 4/06/2002 | Permalink

the davis cup quarterfinals are going on as we speak. my dad asked me to go with him. I politely turned down the invite. now I'm kickin' myself. why you ask? because petey sampras is playing, which can only mean one thing...
veronica vaughn is in town.

soooooo hot, want to touch the heiney,

billy madison

Posted by Stan at 4/06/2002 | Permalink

know what's weird?...seeing a contact lens wearer under blacklights. so, I was out on the dance floor and I was looking at my friend; she looked possesed. fuck me! it tripped me out. I ran outside to get fresh air thinking I was too drunk. only that at this time I didn't know it was her contact lenses that did this. the first thought that came to me was that she had a really bad case of cataracts...yuck. as I was gathering my courage to waltz back in I remembered her telling me she needed glasses to see, and I so totally figured it out. my goon ass spent the rest of the night dragging contact wearers inside to check them out. I suggest you find someone who wears those colored lenses, they look extra trippy under the uv lights.

blade

Posted by Stan at 4/06/2002 | Permalink

...fuck'n tri delts, adpis, dg's, phi mus, et al. 'stros lost. I could care less. pretty drunk, I'm crosseyed. came home to change, off to the r&r lounge.

say a prayer for surfboy, wherever he may be,
m. fischer


I KISS YOOOUUUUUUU!!!!
mahir

Posted by Stan at 4/05/2002 | Permalink

whoa...so I'm watching this real world rerun. keri was wearing her letters as she got off the plane, turns out she's a zeta. she's my favorite rw'er by far. I've been hanging out with a pretty cool zeta, coincidence? I think not.

hell kappa, pi phi, chi o, theta, omega mu, hair pis....I love 'em all.

me

p.s. my friend ryan is here, gotta go

Posted by Stan at 4/05/2002 | Permalink

further proof that you don't need advanced skills to be a receptionist:

lady: good morning, ____ pet clinic
me: I need to make an appointment for my dog's annual exam and vaccinations
lady: ok, what is the patient's name?
me: truman
lady: ok, I see he's due for his annual exam, parvo, rabbies, blah blah blah on april the 12th. we can put you down for an 11:15 appointment tomorrow morning.
me: that sounds great, I would also like to have his teeth cleaned and polished. can I leave him and pick him up in the afternoon?
lady: dr. ___ only does teeth cleanings monday through wednesday. I'm sorry.
me: okay, well I only want to make one trip, so let's cancel tomorrow's appointment and I'll drop him off monday (april 8th) morning and I'll pick him up after work.
lady: well, dr. ____ is going to be out of town from the 10th through the 15th. (this coming up wednesday through next monday).
me: not a problem, I'll take him in monday morning (april the 8th!!!).
lady: sounds good, we'll see you tomorrow. have a nice day.
me: waaaaii...*click*

was it me, or didn't I tell that lady that I wanted to cancel tomorrow morning's appointment? hmmm, I'm too lazy to call back and cancel the appointment straight up. do you think they'll charge me a cancellation fee? shit, its not like they have my credit card number on file. and I can always take my dog to another vet. I think mr. truman and I will be a "no show" for our appointment tomorrow.

bueller, ferris

Posted by Stan at 4/05/2002 | Permalink

if you are a dude, go here! you can thank me later.

have meeeercy,
uncle jesse

Posted by Stan at 4/05/2002 | Permalink

[there was a picture here, I took it down because it took too much room; but you can view it here, bro!]

probably the most action this car has ever seen.

banky

Posted by Stan at 4/05/2002 | Permalink

fun with links day

when I die I'm going straight to hell...play the jesus dress up game here!

hollywood 48 hour diet...this is so a relabeled bottle of v8 splash.

what's your prown name? mine is harry hotbone...that was pointless. I'm still sticking with jack hammer.

blind prown. you may or may not want to see this. educational none the less.

a doll with down's syndrome...pure genius.

I cannot top that last one. it was epic. back to work for me.

I'll be back with a vengance,

mcclain

Posted by Stan at 4/04/2002 | Permalink

today's simpsons rerun was a classic. after a computer mix-up santa's little helper gets his own credit card which bart uses to buy tons of stuff. one of his many purchases is laddie, an uber collie that can do tricks, use the toilet, save lives, etc. my favorite part is when the family takes laddie to the dog park. everyone is instantly drawn to such a majestic looking specimen. mr. burns shakes the dog's paw and says "smithers, I believe this dog was in skull and bones"...fuck'n great. especially if you get the secret hand shake reset.

skulls forever,

caleb mandrake

Posted by Stan at 4/03/2002 | Permalink

completely missed first pitch of opening day. there goes my streak of 7 years. it would have BEEN nice if someone had told me the game started at 4:05, not 7:35pm as I was misinformed....fuck it. well, at least I got a good chunk of my work done. all for nothing.

in a sky full of stars I'm a supernova,
me

Posted by Stan at 4/02/2002 | Permalink

tax time blows. I was knee deep in receipts with my dad and the accountant last night. it hard to hide my cocaine habit*....and the hookers. they wonder were all my money goes.
I've stayed in two nights in a row, yay billy! billy's number one! I know it may not be a big deal to some of you, but if you've been living the way I have the past two months or so it would be reason to celebrate. tonight is opening day at astros field. I have tickets, here's hoping I dont' have to work late. it tends to pile up if you are skipping out to chauffer your friends around town. just joking dawg, "I ain't mad at ya" -- tupac.

*I don't do drugs, nor do I endorse their abuse...


believe on the hype, don't smoke on the pipe,
kyle gass, tenacious d

Posted by Stan at 4/02/2002 | Permalink