I wrote a hit play

this is how we do...

meet my latest protege.



the day the picture was taken marked many firsts in that young little dude's life. first time to style his longhorn polo in public, first tailgate and first attempt to wean him off his mother's titty. look at how well he took to the keg. he's a natural.

this weekend, as he's resting on my lap I'll teach him how to properly smoke a cuban cigar.

Posted by Stan at 11/30/2005 | Permalink

long weekend cometh...

I'm making my biennial into enemy territory; college station, texas. this time I won't be alone like in years past. I actually convinced a friend to leave his wife and newborn son for the day and engage in some beer drinking and football watching me. if only I could have this persuating effect on the chicks...

the big fat tailgate party is going to be in some dirt lot before the game. we got people driving in from austin, dallas/plano/frisco, temple, and galveston. if you are bored this friday and you are in the area, give me a call and I'll see what I can do to get you in. we aren't supposed to bring a lot of guests, but I think I can pull some strings considering that I'm throwing the damn party. it should rock. I have secured tickets, my breakfast will trucked in from austin, first beer should be cracked open at 8am. life will be grand.

but anyway, I'll be insanely busy tomorrow so I have to get some workity work done. this entry sucks anyway, so I'll refrain from polluting your mind with further jackassery.

Posted by Stan at 11/22/2005 | Permalink

quote of the weekend...

"I thought vegetarian hippie animal nuts preferred to leave wild animals in nature, not turn them into an accessory like paris, nicole and other skanky non-celebs?"

that might explain why I'm still single.

Posted by Stan at 11/21/2005 | Permalink

and they say I have too much time on my hands...

apparently not enough to compete with the genius that came up with this invention: banana bunker. ribbed, for her pleasure.

I think a bruised banana may be the among the lesser worries for some people in the future. I give you rapex: the anti-rape condom.

here's a scenario...

a rapist, having knowledge of the rapex, checks his victim out first. he pulls a banana -- protected by the banana bunker, of course -- out of his pocket and inserts it into his victim. the rapex latches onto the banana. he yanks it out and proceeds to commit a horrible, horrible crime.

Posted by Stan at 11/13/2005 | Permalink

nerdy side of me surfaces...

in a distant past, I was at one point the youngest active cpr instructor trainer in the nation. yeah, I was a badass. I used to train the shit out of hotass lifeguards too, but I'll digress.

reason I bring up this dark aspect of myself was because this girl was trying to convince me about the origin of "annie" the famous cpr dummy. as part of some bullshit corporate team building exercise she took cpr lessons.

anyway, the legend goes that "annie" was modeled after a swedish girl who drowned in sweden and that her family created a fund to supply these dummies for all cpr classes. on top of being called annie, the dummies all have her proportions.

I was trying to convince her that it was an urban myth, but she wouldn't hear it. stupid bitch.

now I don't mean any disrespect or anything, but if I were a doctor and wanted to somehow memorialize my deceased daughter, I really don't think creating a life-like dummy of her for everyone around the world to french kiss is really the route I'd go.

Posted by Stan at 11/07/2005 | Permalink

mediocre powers

I'm pretty complacent, but if I possessed the following medium powers I'd pretty much be 6 or 9 times more kickass than I am now:

- when flipping channels during commercial breaks, I want to be able to sense the precise moment to return to the original program.

- I want the ability to convert the flatulence emitted by chicks around me, let's say within a city block, to become vivid color clouds -- clouds that stain the clothes of the aforementioned farter for approximately an hour. that'll teach them.

- I'd want the ability to be drunk on command. without all the bloating and hangovers involved. also, the reverse would be needed, the ability to sober up on call, so I can drive myself home.

- I'd like the power to understand women; though that may not be a medium power, it may come under the heading of awesome power.

- I'd like my own laugh track to follow me around.

- I'd like the power to make ready-to-mix drinks where all the powder absorbs.

Posted by Stan at 11/06/2005 | Permalink

supermarket observations...

I think I've discussed my grocery store anxieties before.

why is it that beef and pork are packaged in white styrofoam trays, while chicken is packaged in yellow styrofoam trays? I think fish is in blue styrofoam trays, but they don't sell fish at the ghettoass market I was just in.

maybe they use blue trays because fish comes out of the water. blue is identified with water. as for yellow chicken trays, I guess yellow is identified with cowardice and a coward can be called a chicken.

I may be onto something about the color theory. the redness of the pork and beef would look brown on yellow trays. yuck.

seriously, how is it possible to make fat-free half and half? I mean, I get that you can use skim milk, but the other half is cream...isn't fat free cream just milk?

if you need me I'll be conducting further field research at the houston central market on westheimer and weslayan.

regards,

stanalytical

Posted by Stan at 11/02/2005 | Permalink