I need to just write...
about random stuff. so pull up a chair, relax, I feel like telling a story. stick around if you don't mind some cream in your jeans.
a tale of the pumpkin ale, pie...and even a pumpkin butt.
I was in central market the other day purchasing littleneck clams, jamon serrano, almond/jalapeño stuffed olives, etc. when I spotted it -- them.
buffalo bill's pumpkin ale the seasonal beer to rule them all was being advertised but nowhere to be found on the beer shelf itself. the seasonal beer I was told I couldn't purchase because they weren't in stock. the seasonal beer that the sommelier finally agreed to pull from the back for me. the seasonal beer that I bought that day. I couldn't find a price on the box. of course, I wanted to find it wrongfully priced so that I could feel good about getting a bargain. I brought the sixer to the counter and asked for a price check. the clerk finally found the price burried deep within the central market price list matrix. I don't remember what the price was, but I think it was rock bottom low. because in my metrosexual excitement I took the sixer, swivelled to pull more from the back, and proceeded to knock a vase to the floor, shattering it. whoops!
sometimes I get an idea in my head and as hard as I try, I can't shake it. you may remember the getting thrown in jail to get back into shape idea from last year, and the custom made guayabera plan from a couple of months ago. now it's something completely new. I want to grow an
enormous pumpkin. more accurately I want to grow an award winningly h u g e pumpkin. anything under nine hundred pounds will be considered a failure. I will not rest until a toothless man in east texas hands me a ribbon for my giant atlantic pumpkin. that's what they're called. I've been doing my research, motherfucker.
I understand there's a lot of competition out there (I have seen the miracle gro commercials, homeskillet), so what will give me my edge? soil? cattle pop? nutrients? yes, yes, and yes. but, I also have an ace up my sleeve. the seeds need to be 'stressed'. you see, if you stress the seeds, the weak seeds will die leaving you only with the strongest seeds and those are the ones you want to plant. survival of the fittest. so I'm sending my pumpkin seeds into
space. all of the radio waves and cosmic isotopes will stress the seeds like no one has ever stressed seeds before! then, when my boy lance bass comes back down to earth with my uber bionic seeds, I'll plant them and grow a gourd the size of an suv. could you imaaaaagine how many case of pumpkin ale can be brewed out of that monster?
don't really wanna make it tough. I just wanna tell you that I had enough. might sound craziiiiee, but it ain't no lie. pumpkin pie pie pie,
greenthumb
p.s. I've drank a shit load of pumpkin ale these past few days. my liver is angry with me. angry like an old man in the soup line that tossed the shit back to the cook for being sub-standard.
p.p.s. all sooner chicks have pumpkin shaped butts...and they hate puppies. and jesus. ou still sucks.
