12.30.2002

gone to nola.

if I don't post have a happy new year, and may we get down on our knees to thank god that we are still on our feet.

salud!

12.29.2002

old man winter called the shit poop...

so he's pulling a fast one on me. I spend 29.95 to get my coat altered, so I can look even more fly when I raid the big easy for the next 3 days. so what does the weather decide to do? fuck me. hardcore style. not only is the mercury not going to drop bellow fifty tomorrow night, and possibly on new year's eve...we might get some showers. that right there kids, is what you would call a dry butt raping. warm and wet. the only time I want to be in that condition is under the sheets. to add further insult to injury, I received a call from the taylor at 7:45am yesterday. she wanted to inform me that she had to charge me an extra 14 bucks because the shoulder work they have to do for my guns was harder than she expected. I should have asked her to kick me in the balls while she was at it.

well at least I can bitch about minimal, petty shit. hey, I could be that guy who has to clock in a 12 hour shift in some sweatshop in china, you know that poor sap who has to 'mount' dress shirts on those silly cardboards. and I say mount as an analogous reference to an entomologist's work. have you seen how they package those shirts? very similar to a dead butterfly mounted for our viewing pleasure. you have to get past the first line of defense which is the plastic covering. then you have to pull out numerous safety pins, and there is always one last bastard that somehow remains undetected. only when you do its too late because you've been poked in the back like a 'nam p.o.w. damn I hate you guys.

ok, I think these ketel one screwdrivers are finally getting to me.

stop looking at me swan,
billy madison

12.27.2002

2002 superlatives

because I sensed you needed another top so and so list written by some asshole whose opinions you probably don't agree with, I've decided to rank some of my favorite and least favorite movies of the year. thank al gore that the internet gives me the freedom to opine my little heart out.

so, because you care, here are the top three best dvds, best movies and worst movies of 2002. This list is based equally on quality and enjoyability, and consists solely of dvds I purchased and movies I saw in the theatre. don't bitch if you think I missed something great like the country bears or kinky camera man directed by max hardcore. if I couldn't be bothered to spend my six or nineteen dollars for the product you liked, it probably sucked anyway. as a matter of fact, you probably suck too for liking it. you're a bad human being.

okay, now that I've got you on my side, let's get it on:

1. the royal tenenbaums
masterfully acted, casted and directed, this quirky masterpiece is head and shoulders above anything else released this year. when this finally came out on home video, I sat down and went over it like the zapruder film. there's so much going on that it not only allows for repeated viewings, it requires it. I would definitely give up all feeling in the lower half of my body to be half as creative and skilled as wes anderson (ut grad, and st. john alumn). you should see this.

2. the lord of the rings: two towers
much like the jurassic park dinosaurs, gollum/smeagol's cg character will usher a new era of 'actors'. his internal debate was externalized by the alternating camera angles. if you know me well, you know that excellent cinematography gives a hard-on. luckily, I went to see this film myself. not to mention that helms deep was by far the greatest battle action I've seen on the screen.

3. band of brothers
yes, while technically it is not a movie, but a series, I simply had to make an exception. words cannot describe the sheer brilliance that is enclosed in that little metal box. I'm still debating whether the series best moment came when they discovered a concentration camp, or the german general's speech to his surrendering troops near the end. the most fun part was seeing them raid hitler's eagle's nest.

worst film of the year

drum roll please, as much as it pains me to admit this...

crazy/beautiful
not even a near peek at kirsten dunst's luscious mammaries could save what basically served as a two hour commercial for co-dependence. I find it hard to believe that there are people out there who actually fall for this kind of melodrama. I laughed harder at this film than I had in years.

...aaaand I am spent,
austin d. powers

12.26.2002

a bad boy

while I didn't exactly get a lump of coal in my stocking, I feel that ol' st. nick should have been more generous with yours truly this year. here are some noteables from my list that were mysteriously absent from the tree on xmas morning.

- a segway
- a 20gb ipod
- a woman, but I would have happily settled for one of these
- a beer drinking goat
- the allure and charm of an older man so I could woo a certain 20 something sweetheart from nola, currently residing in oxford, ms...who shall remain nameless.

actually, on two occasions truman got lost. I'm happy that he was only gone momentarily. came back a little dusty, but safe and sound. I worry too much about him, maybe I need a new hobby. maybe I just need a dog who is less adventurous, friendly, and daring. then I wouldn't have 'truman', it would just be another bland dog.

maybe...my dad needs to be more careful.

could I have been a 44 y/o gerry?
dancing nancy

picking up an old habit...

again. I seriously need to start carrying my benchmade knife. I temporarily retired it to my desk drawer after 9.11 for fear that some cop was going to lay me out across a squad car if they caught me with it. it sure would have come in handy when I was planning to 'deflate' this old man's tires. he almost stole my spot. the spot that I had been patiently waiting for at the movies. señor jackass ignored my turning signal and pulled in. even as I was madly honking at him, and other people were waving and shouting at him. he looked at me, and gave me a puzzled look. I got out of the car and knocked on his window, he just gave me an 'oh okay' and pulled back out. dumbass.

anyway, in the spirit of xmas I even tried to help the old fart find another spot. instead of backing into the space I was holding for him, he tried to go around. idiot. so I just guided someone else into it. if it was a reader's grampa I apologize. you should really bring the blue hair up to date on parking lot etiquette 101. we all least he won't need a walker to get around for the next few months.

...you've been had by stan, shit disturber.

12.24.2002

I am but only one man...

...the spyware powers that be must have been conspiring against me last night. I was scanning my box for this vicious spyware, that is causing all sorts of gay porn, bondage, and spy cam sites to pop-up on my screen. kind of hard to do that when you have to experience a power outtage a total of five times in mid scan. I'd like to take his 'opportulity' to publicly appologize to laura and alison b. for leaving so abruptly. had it not been for reliant energy's incompetance I would have been able to log back on to 'esplain' my haphazard log offs.

beisbol is bery bery good to me,
chuy escuela

12.22.2002

last night was interesting to say the least. at least that's what I can piece together from the few photogs that we took. I was perched on my stool when an old skirt friend of mine happened to walk by. hadn't seen her since my freshman year roommate's wedding. and wouldn't you know it? she's married. even more strange is where she relocated to. yes, you guessed it...new orleans, louisiana. she gave me her number. new year's is going to be extra special.

let's toast to past jimmy jams,
504 boy

p.s. I think tulane just moved up to the top of my list for grad school. at least the women in (or the ones that have moved there) nola dig me, ha.

12.21.2002

a case for the karma police...

number of guy friends who have gotten engaged this month: 3
number of girls who I've gone out with this month: 3

here I was thinking that I was missing the on a bended knee/diamond express bus. no longer do I have to feel sorry for being alone. while my friends are seated in the monogamy express, I'm just about to reach cruising speed in the jumbo jet of promiscuity. shit, and the drink cart is not even making its way down the aisle. we are going to have fun. yeah baby.

metaphorman

my dvd collection is long and distinguished...

and so is my johnson. being a card carrying greedy, wasteful texan, I own way too many dvds. I hate to admit this. its gotten to the point where my dad asks me if I have a certain movie before he makes a run to blockbuster. a few weeks ago I promised laura that I would, again (I did this for h.a. once, I've searched high and low for that document to no avail), catalog my discs and email her my inventory. seeing that I was laying low this evening I decided to finish what I started. as I scanned through my collection, I threw down the gaunlet and challenged myself to choose the 69 movies without which I unequivocally could not live. surprisingly, this wasn't difficult, which means I rarely, if ever, view about three quarters of my collection. how in the hell did 'six days, and seven nights' 'stepmom' and 'lost in space' end up in my collection? oh yeah, its called an ex-girlfriend.

in an effort to cut back on my video purchases (a new year's resolution, perhaps?), and to perhaps increase the quality of my digital menagerie I'm going to actually rent videos before I view them. hopefully, I'll be able to avoid such bombs as 'rat race' and 'tomcats' from tainting, and sharing the same place as masterpieces such as 'rushmore' 'the godfather II' 'the fugitive' and 'revenge of the nerds'. so what do I do? I get the blockbuster freedom pass. and I'm going to milk it for all its worth. for the next month (or from here on out if I choose to renew it) I can have two movies out at the same time, no rental fee, and best of all no extended viewing ass rape charges. stick it to the man.

bring on band of brothers, all of the sopranos episodes that have been released so far, and whatever other epic mini-series are out. I'm going to view them all. someone at bb hq is not going to be too happy with this videophile. I'm the ultimate bargain mooch. I'm the guy that eats all shrimp at the chinese buffet, milet mignon at fogo di chao, and 2 pitchers of bottomless mimosas at brunch. yet, my friend nick takes the cake for actually getting this plate yanked out of his hands at the magic wok. he's engaged too, but that's a whole 'nother entry.

all your vids belong to us,
videophile

unappreciated singles:
u2 -- staring at the sun
neil halstead -- martha's mantra (for the pain)
cold play -- don't panic
elliott smith -- between the bars
kings of convenience -- winning a battle, losing the w

...I said bitch be cool!
- jules winnfield

12.20.2002

what a disgrace...

so I got beat at psychadelic putt-putt. by a girl. I wasn't even trying to let her win. you'll be surprised to know that on two occasions I failed to sink a hole-in-one. first time I florida stated it (wide right), the second I missed by the skin of my toof. she's cool as shit, so I'm still going to hang onto my man card.

send her home happy,
chubs

12.18.2002

q: what do justin timberlake and pepsi cola have in common?

a: they both have dumped britney.

she's a prime target for a 'take over' if I've ever seen one. I plan to swoop in on her like a corporate raider. and what do you know? I'll be in her home state in a few days, again. we shall meet again.

I'm calling my shot,
george herman ruth

12.17.2002

I got my ticket...

no, not to the gun show (sorry to dissapoint e.g.) to the midnight screening of lord of the rings: the two towers. yes, I am an uber-dork. but I can still kick your ass.

bagggggiiiiins,
gollum

12.16.2002

the xmas party that wasn't...

so the trip to austin got axed at the last minute. sorry to dissapoint so many people, it was out of my control...errr nathan.

no santa's helmet hoopla version 2.0 this year. at this rate, maybe I'll make version 6.9.


bring on the sushi,
hungryman

this is an entry about a goose...

n8: I'm a virtual tourist
me: what are you touring?
n8: kordestan, russia...this ruskey mail order bride keeps emailing and in the proccess of deleting them I read one
me: is she a giraffe? [that's a little birthday girl humor]
n8: she's pretty hot *sends me the url*
me: *sees her photog* I'd hit it
n8: if you google 'kordestan' you get a bunch of personal ads, a few shitty hotels and that's it
me: sounds like a tourist mecca then
n8: must be pretty sucky if most of the women want to get out, its near the dead sea and I think its near chernobyl
me: yuck! I bet they come with a third nipple as an added bonus
me: let's pool our resources and fly this chick here then
n8: nah, I just want to go to russia, meet random chicks, and then 'meat' them
me: da


tengo sueño,
el carnicero

12.15.2002

drunk.

p.s. I love women

12.14.2002

congrats...

to ryan and stacy for their engagement. it happened this afternoon in central park. nyc. yes, he went huge time. told you she was a keeper dude. stacy, in return for letting you marry my friend I ask that you sit me next to eem. that is all.

enjoy,
the wedding planner

what a night

not sure what got into me yesterday. one minute I was running errands, the next I found myself driving to nathan's. unplanned, and of course unannounced. the place was empty. he hadn't gone far because he had left his tv on. but instead of waiting on his bird poop infested back porch I drove myself to spec's.

it was a rather pleasant surprise that they had an amazing fine foods section. I guess the whole 'spec's liquors and fine foods' had been lost upon me for many years. at least since I reached the legal age. I have to go back and stock up on normandy butter, and a tin of caviar. spec's has a finer and wider selection than central market, and cheaper too. they even give you a discount if you pay in cash. my kind of place.

after perusing the aisles, I tried to kill more time by tasting all of the wine they had out. twice. in an effort to please, and perhaps subconsciously woo, the promotion girls I picked up a few bottles from their display. only to turn the corner and secretly stash them amongst other bottles.

I did, however, walk past the beaujolais noveau display and I couldn't resist picking up a few bottles. the distant call I got from the vodka section was answered as well. I got a bottle of ketel one and a small container of grey goose. huge time.

after laying down some scrillah at the register I turned and gave a courtesy wave and a smile to karen at the riesling display. I pointed to my paper sack and also gave her a thumbs up, pretending that I had indeed purchased the bottles that I picked up from her table. little did she know that my dad has a stash of the stuff, and I can grab a bottle for free anytime. and that the ones I had graciously taken from here we hiding behind some pepe lopez tequila, just a few rows away from her wine fortress. sucker.

I don't even like white wine. if it doesn't go well with red meat then I'm not drinking it. fruity drinks are for fruity people. attention: if you are a hot girl and you are reading this, please strike the previous comment from your memory.

oh yeah, I talked to this girl from dallas who was in town doing an audit. she was hot, in a studius and intellectual way. wanted to know how to get to hobby airport. another out of towner, too bad. I guess I never saw that close/far skit on sesame street. must've ate too many lead paint chips as a kid. my radar needs to be rewired/reprogramed. for it cannot pick up on local blips for the life of me. I guess when I got mine the box must have been mislabeled. it should have read: long range radar.

well at least I can't joke about it being a gaydar anymore. no, not after my torrid few weeks.


war next friday/saturday
war the t&a valhalla...errrrr treasures
war getting my face licked
war new year's in nola
war iflyswa.com
war santa's helmet hoopla version 2.0
war version 6.9

I'm out.

12.13.2002

last night...

I was haaaaaaammered!

sincerely,
1-800-baaaaah

L. is sorely mistaken...best U2 song is:

"staring at the sun"

I'm out
drunk in h-town

12.12.2002

for a minute there I lost myself...

someone get me to a hospital because there is definitely something seriously wrong with me. I was actually productive on a humpday.

even though I stayed up late the previous night, I rose to the world relatively early. without too much fuss. instead of dicking around until it's too late in the day to actually do something productive for myself, I woke up, flew through my usual obligations, and set about to actually catch up on things that needed to be done. truman needed his bi-annual proheart shot, and stacy needed me to provide her with a hallmark moment. oh and what a moment it will be when she finally receives the card in the mail. sorry scuba stacy, you know how I am when it comes to actually mailing stuff out on time. le card will be waiting for you when you get back from nyc. I think I'm channeling the spirit of a non-slacker, and frankly, I feel a little dirty. or as skanktina aguilera says 'dirrty'.

yes, dirty and abnormally well prepared for my upcoming holiday season. my planning and logistical obstacles [edit: I had originally had written "obsticles" is that like teste hurdles?] had better run and hide, 'cause I'm gonna kick their asses like they ate my last snakpak without asking. or should I say 'kick their asses like phillip on sixth street'. nasty nate loves to tell the story of how I almost mopped sixth street with his guy's face, yellow sunglasses and all.

feeling good about getting my dog vaccinated (I'm still shell shocked for having to pay 109.57 for a shot and a 4 month's supply of flea drops), I decided to head to nate's house of poon. I think his apartment complex's maintenance man blows all the leaves from the courtyard, and the bird seeds from his upstairs neighbor's feeder into a two square foot area in front of his backdoor, because there never fails to be a thick trail of seeds and foilage tracked through the entrance to his place. since my bedroom is right next to the door (his couch, I frequently crash there...hence my bedroom), a lot of these shells get tracked into MY room. it's been driving me batty, so I finally kicked some of the shells out of the apartment. they will be back shortly, but for the time being, I feel like I showed the seeds and the birds who's the boss.

so today I think I'm going to blow out of this place early as well. I want to watch john lequizamo's new movie 'empire'. denise richards is in it. she's 22 kinds of boneable. I know because I counted.

mijo! the rrrent is due,
puchi's mom

12.11.2002

yipee!

I saw myself on espn.

war my new found sports celebrity
war the 6 dollar whataburger
war the summit
war my dad digging radiohead
war new years in nola

I'm out.

12.09.2002

fragrant areolae

yesterday was one of the few geniune excellent days of my natural born life. surprisingly, this kind of satisfaction did not require a huge influx in cash or the company of a lady. no, I just indulged in incredible food, 'friends' trivia, good bull and music. driving up to austin for this seems well worth it now. as if it wasn't evident before.

for some reason, I woke up before eight o'clock (thanks emma) and couldn't knock myself out again, which gave me just under six hours of glorious sleep on wg's stately bed. I would have thought that waking up so early might have made me grumpy for the rest of the day, but after everyone woke up, we immediately got dressed and sat on the couch in anticipation of longhorn sportscenter.

when musculo finally decided to show up, we quickly hoped in his automobile of iniquity. next stop was east austin, for some $2.99 cullinary love. you can have your ritzy four-star restaurants with their garnish and cloth napkins instead of wet-naps, and minted 'twoof'picks, but my all-time sunday morning favorite restaurant is 'juan in a million'. I only wish I didn't have to drive two hours to partake in the scrambled egg, bacon, and flour tortilla goodness.

on the way I brought up the fact that it was raining and that juan's mostly outdoor seating would not be ideal. wg suggested that we go to sisco's instead. which of course was followed by jokes about routers from the dellionaire, and jokes about thongs from the red headed debonaire. we ended up at 'nuevo leon' instead. so much for adhering to a plan. I was primed to eat, because, aside from a tavern tropiburger, I hadn't consumed anything remotely resembling nutrition in about 6 or 9 hours by the time we were seated. I ordered the 'great texas breakfast' and we were served remarkably quickly. even though I was hungry enough to eat my own foot, I didn't tear through my meal like the love muscle. that guy inhaled his quesadillas like he was going to be chain fellated by the last six or nine playmates of the year when he finished. I guess that means he liked it. oh yeah n-doe picked up my tab, thanks broseph.

with our tanks full of south of the border goodness, we drove back to 6-oh-seven to watch the horns lose to notre dame.

after the game, we got a call from a-rod who had just finished buying her tree, they were also having a decorating slash birthday party at her place that night. we watched some football on TV and I checked my e-mail. being able to check my email makes me far less neurotic when I'm out of town, because, as we've discussed before, I'm completely pathetic.

on the way to the party we stopped at the store to pick up some much needed alcoholic refreshments, and stamps. stamps are always crucial for roadtrips, they fuel our postcards from the road. we got the party and it was badass. I'm not at liberty to say the details for this peculiar party. sufice it to say that the following happened:

- kim brought up an interesting convo centering around 'smelly nipples'
- a-rod king ranch casserole (dr. g's recipe) was 'a number one'
- my fantastic bull when I met this girl named candi.
- bezzy, nathan, a-rod and I double dutching after everyone left.
- multi-tasker shannon playing the trivia game, whilst talking on the cell phone at the same time
- the baby that was there, so cuuuuute.


later dudes,
ross' monkey

12.08.2002

damn

so I roll into town 6 or 9 minutes after ten. meet my friends at the 'tavern air conditioned' and we stay there for an extra hour. I offer to pay for the bill, they had been camped out there since 5:11pm. in return for my generocity they offered to pick up my breakfast. problem is, we are eating at 'juan in a million'. you can feed a car load of circus clowns there for 6 or 9 dollars. who got the sharp end of le shaft on this deal?

maybe I can trick them into taking me to fonda san miguel.

wishful thinking,
me

p.s. props to nick for taking off emma's collar. that bitch didn't let me sleep last night. I only wish that real bitches about lust after my loins as bad as she did last night.

12.05.2002

attention:

I came to find out that amazon.com won't let you add prophylactics to your wishlist.

sucky

p.s. if you want to check out my wishlist, drop me a line and I'll email it to you.

12.04.2002

I never really had a problem because of leaving
but everything reminds me of her this evening

so if I seem a little out of it, sorry
but why should I lie?
everything reminds me of her

the spin of the earth impaled a silhouette of the sun on the steeple
and, I got to hear the same sermon all the time now from you people
why are you staring into outer space, crying?
just because you came across it, and lost it

everything reminds me of her
everything reminds me of her
everything reminds me of her


elliott smith figure 8 -- 'everything reminds me of her'...fuckin' great album, even greater track

for those 'in the know'...

the shooting star...thinking about a girl. said skirt wrote me an email two days ago, which I just read. she originated it. bit eerie, wouldn't you say? talk amongsts yourselves, and shoot me an email with your opinions.

have a take, don't suck,
van smack

12.03.2002

herbie the love bug

fresh off the dinner table I dove right into a box of pizza at my friend's house. pizza and coca cola are the quintessential fuel for our creative sessions. oh and how creative they were. I get back in the car, still wiping the pizza grease from my mouth with a wad of cheap napkins as if it were really just one big thick napkin. napkins that I mysteriously seem to stash in my center console. if you ever wonder why the napkin dispensers are always empty at your favorite eatery, just assume I've just been there.

I turn the key. the 'ABS' light comes on and then dissappears, like it always does, but this time I take notice of it. did it stay on a little longer than it usually does? it's not even a polite british 'abs'. it's a loud obnoxious upper case american 'ABS'. wait, what am I talking about, if I'm going to personify my car at 11:58pm I might as well do it with some accuracy. this is a toyota, so it would be japanese. hold on a second...sumo wrestlers are japanese. and, they're obsese. before a match they throw salt on the ring to purify it. I throw salt (pepper and parmesan cheese) on my pizza before eating it. a sumo ring is circular. a pizza pie is circular. knowing the cultural context of the car's comment only makes this hurt even more. I'm pissed. because the car is obviously mocking my current physical condition with this whole ABS thing. just fuckin' great. the light might as well say, 'no more late night pizza...fat ace'.

I put the car in drive and declare to never bring it in for another oil change. if she doesn't want me putting lipids, grease or oil in my body, fine, but she gets the same. we're in this together.

this entry is brought to you by: liquid wrench

I'm out,
tubby in h-town

12.02.2002

I said 'reading is fun!'

I'm a dorkus mallorcus [see:tool, toolbox].

I've been reading for pleasure lately, which is a good thing...something I had put off for a long time. and I'm finding that I don't like seeing the author's face on the book. seeing the mug shot does nothing but taint my perception of the book. now when I read the words I can't help picture it being said out of that head, that face. and, sometimes the voice in the book is saying and doing things that I could never picture the face saying or doing.

anyway, since I don't mind seeing the pic after I'm done with the book, I have a proposal. the authors face, on all books, should be covered with the same silver film that scratch tickets use. so, then I could read the entire book, and then be like, 'hmmm, ok, let's see what he looks like now' and scratch away.

out,
book worm in houston

12.01.2002

the g just left. I'll like to add another thing to my prior list of props....

kate is not drunk


daaaaaaang,
j. dirt

hey kids its story time

yes, we are coming to you live from austin. at my side I have truman and gooby.


war hummus appetizer
war carlsberg
war krusty watch
war no bar tab
war kettel one
war parking garage pillar gash
war pea coats
war my boxers

out