I wrote a hit play

back from the crescent city

I have nothing to show for, except for a bunch of photogs and a swollen liver. I would like to thank rosalind for further solidifying my distaste in sucky girls. now on with the show:

things that I liked:
setting a new land speed record on the drive to and fro
parlaying my stellar bull into FREE drinks for my friends
bars that never close
the double headed monster that are the two debbies, and their sexy daughters
going on the coolest cab ride ever
49-nude!
the uber dome
'drinking bands'
killer seats at the fifty
postcards

things that sucked
the sloth named delores at john jay's
that ignorant cocksucker from salisbury, mo....disregard the naysayers
missing the pre-game festivities because de'angelo took the keys
the delusional broad at BSBC
wasting 7 bones on a shitty version of 'chopsticks'
fans who wear jerseys

enjoy

Posted by Stan at 9/30/2002 | Permalink

no longer the mass of muscles I once was...

I'm so disgusted with myself. I've really let myself go. what happened to me? I used to be in such good shape. but now, there's just no pretty way to say it, I'm easily winded and I'm weak. so sad. I haven't given up though! not at all. drastic situations call for drastic measures. last time I felt this gross I went on working out spree. I don't think I want to do that again. I really over did it, and hurt myself. but I've been doing some thinking and I've come up with a plan...

I'm going to prison. that's right, I've decided to go to prison.... to get BUFF. have you ever seen a prison scene in a movie? everyone is totally j a c k e d. so, I figure a four month stint (good behavior considered) should just about do it. just me and the weights in the prison yard all day. no distractions whatsoever. it'll be a much needed break from my dull weekday routine, they'll make me go to sleep early every night, and I'll eat breakfast everyday -- the most important meal of the day which I often skip on the 'outside'. I'll come out lean and mean in no time. and the best part is that if I'm going to jail, I can pretty much pick my own crime, right?

thuglife,
2pac

Posted by Stan at 9/25/2002 | Permalink

well if it's on...

motherfucker, then its on g. hide the women and chirren nasty nate and I are coming to new orleans fo' sho'. hurricane izzy can't hold us back. we'll be making our way to the big easy starting at beer:thirty (4:30 CST, for those unfamiliar with our ways). we are bringing the booze, the digi, and a boat; the women will surely follow.

big pimpin', baby

Posted by Stan at 9/25/2002 | Permalink

coming soon:
the mctruck cam, will it get passed on to you? stay tuned

things that pissed me off this week:
cashiers who give you change with the coins at the top; impossible to receive
whore'ndyneeee
mall.com
the margarita machine that froze at the tailgate
diane at the ut club
swisher sweets

things that pleased me this week:
giving fake names for my order at restaurants
using the word troubleshat as a past tense for troubleshoot at fry's
chicken boobs
'the monster that we call college football'
41-11
3-13!

Posted by Stan at 9/23/2002 | Permalink

holy shit balls, its 7:14 and I'm still austin

off to h-town now.

traveler

Posted by Stan at 9/23/2002 | Permalink

I danced with the mexican devil last night...and he won

f ho'rendyne

'we hazed ourselves' -- swango

Posted by Stan at 9/22/2002 | Permalink

I just now have been victimized by a mexican evil known as orandyne.

f the haters
f orandyne

I'm out

Posted by Stan at 9/22/2002 | Permalink

yes, I am in in austin,having the time of my life [again] I wish you guys would be juxtaposed, mere worrds cannot describe the good time we are currently enjoying. the horns are here! orendyne live forever, marshall is the shit...so is this wife. as well as his broseph, the man the myth the legend...beakman

-- stan

Once again.........Puro Orehdine... This shit works miracles. My mind is made up and the streak will continue. Every weekend involves a ton of beer and a new woman. May New Orleans provide the same next weekend? I think so. As usual we roll on and have the best bullshit of anyone around because it is that monster we call college football.

-- Brianalso

\This is the Beak and I only wish that every one can have the time that we are having in Austin. To Quote Will "the monster that we call football" has taken it's hand and made every one a drunken fool. I can only say that the U T needs to win the national title and Nick needs to drink more liquor. So I leave you with this, I am but just one man.

--- beakman

Posted by Stan at 9/22/2002 | Permalink

I finally did it, my lazy butt renewed his license. all done from the convience of my computer. it took a minute our of my otherwise bland day, and I didn't have to put up with crying babies, people in the wrong line, or that smartass shenayneh receptionist. you know who I'm talking about. I might be $25 lighter, but I won't be dodging the po-pos anymore.

billy the kid

Posted by Stan at 9/20/2002 | Permalink

we are experiencing techinical difficulties. bare with us.

-- 'I wrote a hit play' staff

Posted by Stan at 9/19/2002 | Permalink

having no actual obligations, I spent the early part of my sunday watching the clock, waiting for the time to leave for the airport, pick up nasty nate and christoff and go to the ballpark. not being able to handle it any longer, I got up bright and early and headed to john's place. he was finishing up getting ready when I arrived and I took the opportunity to read the sports page, and look over the stats of the longhorns' masterful match over the tarheels of the university of north carolina.

anyway, we cruised up to hobby airport, grabbed our returning rockstars and headed directly to the palace of iniquity aka nathan's a-p-t (you have to say it like ricky did on mtv cribs). since we hadn't seen them in almost a week, there was some real catching up to do. upon arrival, I brewed a pot of cafe du monde chicory, while chris changed into his pressed khaki shorts. what a display of gross fagottry. collectively, we had one thing left to accomplish before going to the ballgame. just eating. I had gone roughly eighteen hours without consuming any nutrition in preparation. I was, indeed, ready to rock.

and rock I did while nate and chris spilled stories from nashvegas and sto ate roughly enough mexican food to feed all those poor bastards sally struthers used to pimp out during commercial breaks for syndicated daytime talk shows. I enjoyed myself and felt the bloat of expanded tortillas in my stomach. it's an almost orgasmic feeling. after our feast we headed to the juicebox. en route nathan told me that they tried to buy me a t-shirt, but they didn't have my size. wheew! I'm glad they didn't, for it would have been a cause for concern. what's that you ask? one which would indicate several things, including but not limited to the following:

1. we have obviously crossed the line between fake gay lovers and actual gay lovers at some point in time.
2. he actually listens when I talk occasionally
3. I am getting old if I both receive and like souveneir t-shirts as gifts
4. eventually I'm going to have to give him my assflower. it's the only reasonable compensation for a gift such as this.

the astros won. we got soaked on the walk back to the car. then we watched a little football, some lame ass movie on hobo before the sopranos came on. after said show was over chris split and went back to his lonesome home. sto, nathan and I bs'ed for a while before we realized it was eleven o'clock, and therefore acceptable to turn in for the evening. even though it wasn't terribly exciting, I could stand for more sundays (spent in houston, austin sundays are in a league of their own) to be like this. I mean, nobody got shot and I didn't have to have anything surgically removed from a single one of my orifices. to me, that means success.

gaylord focker

Posted by Stan at 9/16/2002 | Permalink

friday 5 (+7)

1. What was/is your favorite subject in school? Why?
nap time. ok, I'll play along. favorite subject was a close tie between science and history.

2. Who was your favorite teacher? Why?
substitutes

3. What is your favorite memory of school?
elementary school plays, because I always had some sort of lead in them

4. What was your favorite recess game?
football, but then we got pretty vicious and it was banned.

5. What did you hate most about school?
when it stopped being fun, when everything was done for a grade. when we stopped having recess, and it turned into just having a lunch break. from the 5th grade on it sucked. but the 'scenery' sure got better.

Posted by Stan at 9/13/2002 | Permalink

Posted by Stan at 9/11/2002 | Permalink

friday V

1. What is your biggest pet peeve? Why?
people who fail to use the turn signal when you are waiting to exit a parking lot, people who wait until the last minute to write out their cheques at the check out line.

2. What irritating habits do you have?
I don't answer the phone

3. Have you tried to change the irritating habits or just let them be?
let them be

4. What grosses you out more than anything else? Why?
girls who spit, burp, and wear more revealing clothing than they should. there is nothing more sickening than one of those fatso, jenny jones types in a hanky top...the kind who think they are 'all that' when in reality they should be incarcerated at the fat farm. just reminds me of 'the big tight end from nebbbbraska!'

5. What's one thing can you never see yourself doing that other people do?
harpoonin'

Posted by Stan at 9/10/2002 | Permalink

talking shit

Posted by Stan at 9/09/2002 | Permalink

funny...

'I want to suck her like a smoked neck bone' - cb4

scary how accurate that little quote describes the way I feel about certain girls, on certain evenings. that being said I have 3 major goals for the week:

1. procure new sweatbands for our stadium krewe (emblazon them with the following: 'aybabtu', 'f the haters', '100% borracho', 'medical redshirt', 'home wrecker')
2. bathe truman, he's such a derelict.
3. dazzle a lady with my impressive wit and firm buttocks
3a. wrangle some skirt/s

according to meat loaf, two out of three ain't bad, but I'm not so sure I want to take advice from a man whose most reknowned film role was a character called 'bitch tits'.

plaxico

Posted by Stan at 9/09/2002 | Permalink

getting older...

I think deep down every guy likes to think that his crotch is an incredibly powerful sex magnet. I used to be one of those guys. but, now that I have had a dog for 3 years and I'm lil' emma lou's 'uncle' (you should see the number she did on my shoe) its become painfully obvious that my crotch is nothing more than an incredibly powerful doggie paw magnet. that's right; if a dog comes near my immediate vicinity, it somehow will end up stepping on my twig and berries. it's as if my crotch is a big piñata with a sign on it that says 'fun for dogs ages 6 months-5!'

all your nuts are belong to us,
eli cash

Posted by Stan at 9/06/2002 | Permalink

the king of irrelevant trivia was stumped last night, by a freakin' waitress no less. I don't know, its still under protest because she gave us misleading info. anyway, what the hell is 'jofel'? apparently its a pronoun and I've seen it somewhere. bullshit, you ain't got to lie craaaaig.

I'm out,
american standard

Posted by Stan at 9/05/2002 | Permalink

friday V

1. What's your favorite piece of clothing that you currently own?
a dark blue lacoste button down shirt

2. What piece of clothing do you most want to acquire?
camel hair longcoat

3. What piece of clothing can you not bring yourself to get rid of? Why?
my old burnt orange shirts

4. What piece of clothing do you look your best in?
suits

5. What has been your biggest fashion accident?
wearing loafers with no socks, or donning a hot pink polo shirt.

Posted by Stan at 9/02/2002 | Permalink

back in town, can't say that I'm too happy about that.

'ichiro is a numbah one! anybody complaaaaiiiin??'
beisboru fan x

Posted by Stan at 9/02/2002 | Permalink