7.31.2003
flying solo...
I dunno whatchu heard 'bout me.
but, I am a lonewolf who is all about being that badass that kills premium punanni on a nightly basis.
let me draw a map of hawaii on your body,
geography prof.
I dunno whatchu heard 'bout me.
but, I am a lonewolf who is all about being that badass that kills premium punanni on a nightly basis.
let me draw a map of hawaii on your body,
geography prof.
7.30.2003
austin stories
one of the greatest joys I get from going to austin is the priviledge of back/frontyard urination. what started out as a neccessary evil at 5300 [when you have a late night party, the last thing you want is for some drunk dude to spray this shit all over the seat, gotta keep it clean for the ladies. so the clean bathroom is off-limits for boys...you know wadda mean?], soon evolved into a vehicle for us to trace back to our unmodern roots. to the good ol' days when men were men, and women were ribs.
when we came back to nathan's place saturday morning after bringing little woodrow's and 311 to its knees, and after the innitial shock of finding scantly clad hotties in his living room waiting for us, I snuck away to do some toxic waste dumping.
nathan's place is so pee-eye-em-pee, that it has two balconies. the skirts were smoking in the front one, so that was out of the question. my happy ass went to the back one, only to find cyborg's little brother passed out in a corner. he was nearly flat linning, so I could have had wild monkey sex with eliza dushku in front of him and he couldn't have noticed.
I unhitched my pants, and unleashed the fury with arms akimbo, fists on my waist, my head thrown back as if I were proudly saving a small village from a terrible fire in the process. this is how I am imagined steve mcqueen would have peed in bullit had there been such a scene in it.
feeling like oooone mehlliiiion dollars, I rejoined the party and begun to put out the vibe. I also unsheathed the digi and begun to photocapture the scene. it was then that one of the ladies approached me:
girl:blah, blah, blah, blah, you guys are the coolest guys, this is such a nice place, do you live here?
me: no, it's that guy's over there [points to nathan]
girl: so how old are you?
me: I'm probably too old for you
girl: well I'm **
girl: you?
me: christ, we need to stop talking
me: how old did you think I was?
girl: I dunno, 21 or something
me: yes, well...I will take that as a compliment and cease communication with you immediately. good luck with prom.
fuck!
mitch martin
one of the greatest joys I get from going to austin is the priviledge of back/frontyard urination. what started out as a neccessary evil at 5300 [when you have a late night party, the last thing you want is for some drunk dude to spray this shit all over the seat, gotta keep it clean for the ladies. so the clean bathroom is off-limits for boys...you know wadda mean?], soon evolved into a vehicle for us to trace back to our unmodern roots. to the good ol' days when men were men, and women were ribs.
when we came back to nathan's place saturday morning after bringing little woodrow's and 311 to its knees, and after the innitial shock of finding scantly clad hotties in his living room waiting for us, I snuck away to do some toxic waste dumping.
nathan's place is so pee-eye-em-pee, that it has two balconies. the skirts were smoking in the front one, so that was out of the question. my happy ass went to the back one, only to find cyborg's little brother passed out in a corner. he was nearly flat linning, so I could have had wild monkey sex with eliza dushku in front of him and he couldn't have noticed.
I unhitched my pants, and unleashed the fury with arms akimbo, fists on my waist, my head thrown back as if I were proudly saving a small village from a terrible fire in the process. this is how I am imagined steve mcqueen would have peed in bullit had there been such a scene in it.
feeling like oooone mehlliiiion dollars, I rejoined the party and begun to put out the vibe. I also unsheathed the digi and begun to photocapture the scene. it was then that one of the ladies approached me:
girl:blah, blah, blah, blah, you guys are the coolest guys, this is such a nice place, do you live here?
me: no, it's that guy's over there [points to nathan]
girl: so how old are you?
me: I'm probably too old for you
girl: well I'm **
girl: you?
me: christ, we need to stop talking
me: how old did you think I was?
girl: I dunno, 21 or something
me: yes, well...I will take that as a compliment and cease communication with you immediately. good luck with prom.
fuck!
mitch martin
7.29.2003
7.28.2003
back from austin...
I made it back safely from my short holiday in austin. nevermind that, what's most important is that 30 years ago today marvin zindler started events in motion that shut down the chicken ranch in lagrange. you'll be happy to know that I tried to locate the grounds of the defunct brothel on the drive back to h-town so I could pay my respects. but the dolt at the gas station had no idea where it was.
in other news, I don't remember much of what happened friday night, but I do remember this:
oh yeah, it was tighter than a frog's ass.
all for now, more to come tomorrow.
I made it back safely from my short holiday in austin. nevermind that, what's most important is that 30 years ago today marvin zindler started events in motion that shut down the chicken ranch in lagrange. you'll be happy to know that I tried to locate the grounds of the defunct brothel on the drive back to h-town so I could pay my respects. but the dolt at the gas station had no idea where it was.
in other news, I don't remember much of what happened friday night, but I do remember this:
oh yeah, it was tighter than a frog's ass.
all for now, more to come tomorrow.
7.24.2003
put some skank on it
greetings stan-heads! according to google, it appears that chronicles of a dude gone wild is T H E hotspot if you're looking for nude photos of nikki hilton. I fear to even mention this, because it means I am probably propogating the problem.
in honor of nude nikki hilton, I hereby present a fully-clothed chelsea clinton:
greetings stan-heads! according to google, it appears that chronicles of a dude gone wild is T H E hotspot if you're looking for nude photos of nikki hilton. I fear to even mention this, because it means I am probably propogating the problem.
in honor of nude nikki hilton, I hereby present a fully-clothed chelsea clinton:
back with a vengeance, bitch
I got a bad case of car fever. these are the sleds I'm currently shopping for (not all at once):
'69 cadillac deville convertible
'67 pontiac gto
'70 chevrolet chevelle 454 ss
'69 dodge superbee
'69 dodge charger r/t (yes, the general lee)
so I popped in 'dazed and confused' to get another look at the melba toast (that would be wooderson's car in the movie). there is this scene where they feature a top notch burger joint. austin's best answer to an in-n-out burger. I would kill three men to have a quality fast food burger. not that meat turd they serve you in between hamburger buns at mcdonalds. when I eat out, even at a 4th rate eatery such as mickey d's, I want something I don't eat at home. I can make sucky, oddly shaped hamburgers all on my own. when I go to the krusty burger for a quick bag of take out, I want perfectly circular burgers, that no human could have ever shaped by hand.
I may get a job at mcdonalds this week just so I can quit it dramatically. I've never used the phrase 'cocksucking death merchant' in an exit interview. it sounds like fun.
okay, I have to watch 'the amazing race 4' now.
I got a bad case of car fever. these are the sleds I'm currently shopping for (not all at once):
'69 cadillac deville convertible
'67 pontiac gto
'70 chevrolet chevelle 454 ss
'69 dodge superbee
'69 dodge charger r/t (yes, the general lee)
so I popped in 'dazed and confused' to get another look at the melba toast (that would be wooderson's car in the movie). there is this scene where they feature a top notch burger joint. austin's best answer to an in-n-out burger. I would kill three men to have a quality fast food burger. not that meat turd they serve you in between hamburger buns at mcdonalds. when I eat out, even at a 4th rate eatery such as mickey d's, I want something I don't eat at home. I can make sucky, oddly shaped hamburgers all on my own. when I go to the krusty burger for a quick bag of take out, I want perfectly circular burgers, that no human could have ever shaped by hand.
I may get a job at mcdonalds this week just so I can quit it dramatically. I've never used the phrase 'cocksucking death merchant' in an exit interview. it sounds like fun.
okay, I have to watch 'the amazing race 4' now.
7.22.2003
she be trippin'
today I both made and tried to collect on a bet. bets involving women, mind you. this new wager is very very foolish, and it would be impossible for me to lose. earlier this year I made a bet at the new orleans audoubon aquarium and I have STILL yet to collect on it. so I have learned my lesson. this time I thought to myself:
look it has to be something creative that I will actually collect. if it's cash I always feel bad, and would feel even worse since it's a chick.
so we settled on taking the winner to a restaurant of his choosing. now I'm wondering if this front or a way for her to get something. hopefully a way to get inside my pants, he he he. the only logical explanation for this is that she digs me and wants to lose the bet. it's like that seinfeld episode when the guy bet elaine a dinner date that dustin hoffman was in star wars.
yes, everything in life can be explained by a seinfeld episode.
today I both made and tried to collect on a bet. bets involving women, mind you. this new wager is very very foolish, and it would be impossible for me to lose. earlier this year I made a bet at the new orleans audoubon aquarium and I have STILL yet to collect on it. so I have learned my lesson. this time I thought to myself:
look it has to be something creative that I will actually collect. if it's cash I always feel bad, and would feel even worse since it's a chick.
so we settled on taking the winner to a restaurant of his choosing. now I'm wondering if this front or a way for her to get something. hopefully a way to get inside my pants, he he he. the only logical explanation for this is that she digs me and wants to lose the bet. it's like that seinfeld episode when the guy bet elaine a dinner date that dustin hoffman was in star wars.
yes, everything in life can be explained by a seinfeld episode.
7.21.2003
saturday night
there was a pretty happening shindig saturday night. a lot of people came into town, and for once it felt like I was living in austin again, but I wouldn't know because I haven't been there in a really long time (3-4 weeks is an eternity for me).
the point being is that there was a gathering and I saw people that i don't normally see. mostly I don't see them for a reason, but now when I actually go out it's like I've come out of hiding from my bunker with osama bin laden and saddam, but in reality, I've been in the bayou city the whole time. it's not like I'm hard to find. I guess I don't hang out with my friends enough. but this staying at home for most of the week, or going to barnes and noble on certain nights to scope out the milf talent is such an improvement over the rock star schedule we kept up last year. we went out every night. there was a time when my liver and my dignity were living in exhile in playa del carmen. the pace was frantic. this year so far has been pretty mellow, though I now complain about people smoking or girls wearing jeans cut too low, which I never really used to do. I just complained about everything else.
speaking of saddam, that smelly bastard wrote me an email, it reads:
stan, your president has bombed the shit out of my palace. he has killed my goats and 3 of my goat herders. please tell him to stop. tell him I'll take the fat dixie chick in exchange for the rest of my weapons.
"dude, we are all getting laid tonight" -- sto 7.19.03 2:16am
there was a pretty happening shindig saturday night. a lot of people came into town, and for once it felt like I was living in austin again, but I wouldn't know because I haven't been there in a really long time (3-4 weeks is an eternity for me).
the point being is that there was a gathering and I saw people that i don't normally see. mostly I don't see them for a reason, but now when I actually go out it's like I've come out of hiding from my bunker with osama bin laden and saddam, but in reality, I've been in the bayou city the whole time. it's not like I'm hard to find. I guess I don't hang out with my friends enough. but this staying at home for most of the week, or going to barnes and noble on certain nights to scope out the milf talent is such an improvement over the rock star schedule we kept up last year. we went out every night. there was a time when my liver and my dignity were living in exhile in playa del carmen. the pace was frantic. this year so far has been pretty mellow, though I now complain about people smoking or girls wearing jeans cut too low, which I never really used to do. I just complained about everything else.
speaking of saddam, that smelly bastard wrote me an email, it reads:
stan, your president has bombed the shit out of my palace. he has killed my goats and 3 of my goat herders. please tell him to stop. tell him I'll take the fat dixie chick in exchange for the rest of my weapons.
"dude, we are all getting laid tonight" -- sto 7.19.03 2:16am
some crazy shit going down, and I was nowhere to be found
[note to readers present on saturday night: this is the post I told you I was cooking up for today]
I sat down friday morning to check on lance's progress in le tour and to make my daily fare through news and financial sites when I strayed a bit from my daily routine, and I clicked over to the daily texan to see if anything interesting had happened in what is a fairly slow news football off-season.
no new developments from the football team that I was aware of, I decided to read the old comics (dude, what the fuck ever happed to "nutty:the kitten with testicles for feet?). as I was making my way through the archives I caught a glimpse of a peculiar headline. tucked under a bullshit hippy treehugger article about the cost of implementing pollution controls, I saw prostitution ring broken, police say: group lured chinese women to austin and turned them into sex slaves.
it's pretty much just your run-of-the-mill sex slave story, saying that these cats with ties to organized crime back in the prc were smuggling women into the country, then forcing them to pay off the "fee" through prostitution. evidently they were running six brothels in austin. nothing too exciting. shit, everyyybody knows about the rose and it still stands today. or so I've been told.
then, three paragraphs from the bottom, there it was...something that caused me to spew ketel one+orange juice onto my monitor: "the brothels were at 6600 danwood drive, 9617 great hills trail, 5200 n. lamar blvd., 1108 w. koenig lane and 4415 avenue a, court records say."
for those of you that don't remember the house I lived in with travis, pathological liar johnson, and meathead, or never visited, it was the house that belonged to the fake titied ex-girlfriend of meathead's friend that asked me to take her out and show her a good time while he left all of his shit in our garage when he get to boot camp. yeah, I really "looked after" this dude's girlfriend.
I knew that house had some corrupting vibes...
update: here's news 8 austin's version of the story, with a video that shows a maintenance guy boarding up that house.
update 2: my friend reports that his old roommate lives in a house down the street, where the avenue a sex shacks was located. he also says that recently a meth lab was busted on that street as well. dayyyyum! sounds like an exciting place to live.
[note to readers present on saturday night: this is the post I told you I was cooking up for today]
I sat down friday morning to check on lance's progress in le tour and to make my daily fare through news and financial sites when I strayed a bit from my daily routine, and I clicked over to the daily texan to see if anything interesting had happened in what is a fairly slow news football off-season.
no new developments from the football team that I was aware of, I decided to read the old comics (dude, what the fuck ever happed to "nutty:the kitten with testicles for feet?). as I was making my way through the archives I caught a glimpse of a peculiar headline. tucked under a bullshit hippy treehugger article about the cost of implementing pollution controls, I saw prostitution ring broken, police say: group lured chinese women to austin and turned them into sex slaves.
it's pretty much just your run-of-the-mill sex slave story, saying that these cats with ties to organized crime back in the prc were smuggling women into the country, then forcing them to pay off the "fee" through prostitution. evidently they were running six brothels in austin. nothing too exciting. shit, everyyybody knows about the rose and it still stands today. or so I've been told.
then, three paragraphs from the bottom, there it was...something that caused me to spew ketel one+orange juice onto my monitor: "the brothels were at 6600 danwood drive, 9617 great hills trail, 5200 n. lamar blvd., 1108 w. koenig lane and 4415 avenue a, court records say."
for those of you that don't remember the house I lived in with travis, pathological liar johnson, and meathead, or never visited, it was the house that belonged to the fake titied ex-girlfriend of meathead's friend that asked me to take her out and show her a good time while he left all of his shit in our garage when he get to boot camp. yeah, I really "looked after" this dude's girlfriend.
I knew that house had some corrupting vibes...
update: here's news 8 austin's version of the story, with a video that shows a maintenance guy boarding up that house.
update 2: my friend reports that his old roommate lives in a house down the street, where the avenue a sex shacks was located. he also says that recently a meth lab was busted on that street as well. dayyyyum! sounds like an exciting place to live.
7.17.2003
a journey of a thousand miles...
earlier today I took the first step in my journey to truly be certified as "huge time".
ndt magnate
earlier today I took the first step in my journey to truly be certified as "huge time".
ndt magnate
7.16.2003
it's official: today sucks
today, july 16th, is the slowest day of the year in sports. no baseball, no le tour de france, nothing. this is further compounded by the fact that college football is just around the corner.
man, I think I should just go ahead and put a fresh set of batteries on my remote control with all this action going on. /sarcasm
today, july 16th, is the slowest day of the year in sports. no baseball, no le tour de france, nothing. this is further compounded by the fact that college football is just around the corner.
man, I think I should just go ahead and put a fresh set of batteries on my remote control with all this action going on. /sarcasm
7.14.2003
smoke 'em if you got 'em
I knew something would come to me...eventually.
there are times when it pays to take the initiative to actually show up to appointments on time and not looking like I slept in my work clothes on the floor of a freshly flooded sewer. today was one of those times and, no, it's not because I'm afraid of people finding out that I'm actually a teenage mutant ninja turtle. it's because I happened to fall into a great apportunity and if I would have rolled in late, I would have missed it. the best part is that I don't have to do most of the work, because all of the initial contacts have been made for me. all I have to do is check my inbox during the lunch hour, and if I have a client I work on the project at night. this is very much like having everything go wrong in one night and then 'back your ass up into some nice pussy'.
anyway, this will inch me closer to one of these:
bitch is optional
I knew something would come to me...eventually.
there are times when it pays to take the initiative to actually show up to appointments on time and not looking like I slept in my work clothes on the floor of a freshly flooded sewer. today was one of those times and, no, it's not because I'm afraid of people finding out that I'm actually a teenage mutant ninja turtle. it's because I happened to fall into a great apportunity and if I would have rolled in late, I would have missed it. the best part is that I don't have to do most of the work, because all of the initial contacts have been made for me. all I have to do is check my inbox during the lunch hour, and if I have a client I work on the project at night. this is very much like having everything go wrong in one night and then 'back your ass up into some nice pussy'.
anyway, this will inch me closer to one of these:
bitch is optional
I bet you clicked on here thinking that you'd be met my another one of my funny, witty, all-around badass entries. sadly, as farkers would say..."I got nuthin'"
it's a trap!
adm. ackbar
it's a trap!
adm. ackbar
7.12.2003
7.09.2003
a man of many talents...
with a lil' html humor
["arms wide open" by creed]
well I just heard the news today, it seems my life is gonna change. I've been informed that I'll be delivering a baby tomorrow at 7:30am.
[/creed]
puuuuuush,
midwife
with a lil' html humor
["arms wide open" by creed]
well I just heard the news today, it seems my life is gonna change. I've been informed that I'll be delivering a baby tomorrow at 7:30am.
[/creed]
puuuuuush,
midwife
7.08.2003
shocker: b. spears is not a virgin
she should havewaited for me. so now that she's spoiled goods, who's going to want her now? wait 'til everybody finds out about the abortion.
quote:
Seriously, I haven't had a boy in a really long time, and I'm really craving ... -- britney spears
...two in the pink, and one in the stink
she should havewaited for me. so now that she's spoiled goods, who's going to want her now? wait 'til everybody finds out about the abortion.
quote:
Seriously, I haven't had a boy in a really long time, and I'm really craving ... -- britney spears
...two in the pink, and one in the stink
fuckin' nerds!
matrix copycats foiled.
this story is so funny on some many levels. I laugh now because the massacre was averted. but I digress. the article states that they ran into their first hurdle when they couldn't hijack a car. so you are telling me that these fags couldn't relieve someone of their car with that arsenal? maybe if they played a little more vice city instead of watching the matrix they could have gotten somewhere.
Lovett, who is accused of pointing a gun at the officer who arrested him
okay, this dork is lucky to be alive...or maybe the cop took a shot, and he dodged the bullet. [keanu]whoooa![/keanu]
matrix copycats foiled.
this story is so funny on some many levels. I laugh now because the massacre was averted. but I digress. the article states that they ran into their first hurdle when they couldn't hijack a car. so you are telling me that these fags couldn't relieve someone of their car with that arsenal? maybe if they played a little more vice city instead of watching the matrix they could have gotten somewhere.
Lovett, who is accused of pointing a gun at the officer who arrested him
okay, this dork is lucky to be alive...or maybe the cop took a shot, and he dodged the bullet. [keanu]whoooa![/keanu]
this made the paper?
what a crock of shit. if they wanted a really juicy newstory about a snake on the lam, I could have given them the account of when we had at one time a coral snake AND a trans-pecos western diamondback loose in our apartment circa 1999. let's just say that I spent that weekend holed up in the downtown austin omni, and truman was at nathan's pet hotel.
what a crock of shit. if they wanted a really juicy newstory about a snake on the lam, I could have given them the account of when we had at one time a coral snake AND a trans-pecos western diamondback loose in our apartment circa 1999. let's just say that I spent that weekend holed up in the downtown austin omni, and truman was at nathan's pet hotel.
7.07.2003
7.05.2003
drove by the skanteria...errr sam's boat, earlier today. and somethings never change.
ack! zee goggles! zhey do nas-sing,
rainer wolfcastle as radioactive man
ack! zee goggles! zhey do nas-sing,
rainer wolfcastle as radioactive man
3 drunk dials in one night...
from 3 different femme fatales, who happen to live o u t of town. yes folks, such is the story of my life. hundreds of plans and offers from out of town friends, and yet in my own city I can't get an extra sauce packet for my mcnuggets from the high school drop-out at the drive-thru window even after I shoot her the 'blue steel'
after spending the previous evening working the cell phone trying to get coo-razy, but not even approaching the heights of my jackassery potential, it's surprising that I woke up the next morning relatively early with a genuine smile on my face. most days I'm not exactly ecstatic to be alive first thing in the morning, but most days aren't july 4th. this is enough to make any tub of poopy poo grin the goofiest of grins. I was determined not to let my current dogsitting predicament get in the way of fireworks, hot dogs, women, and beer.
but, alas it was not so. this weekend must have had to dislocate its jaw to eat this much dick.
being single [edit] r u l e s !sucks, I've come to the conclusion that people who whine about the ridiculous shit they have to do for their better halves need to have their genitals branded with a hot iron while rosie o'fat (that is o'donell, for those not in the know) sings them broadway tunes topless so they know the difference between pain and pleasure.
something good HAD to come out of my misery, and I like to think that it did. it seems that yours truly has finally found the cadillac (!) that he's been searching high and low for the past 2 to 3 years. found it two days ago, during a frivolous bidding run on ebay. I was looking for a good full-sized fleet vehicle to turn into a cross between the a-team van, and something that would be worthy of belonging to a true playah like me. it will be called "project: VAnGINA", but said venture has been placed on hold, along with "le party bus", and the "merkur stretch limo". because I was so excited to have a magnificent detroit specimen at my disposal, I failed to read that it was located several states away. fuck it, the details could have said there were several dead canine fetuses in the glove compartment and I would have replied, "sweet, dude! I love puppies!". anyway, cross your fingers and pray that when the auction ends I'm still the high bidder.
I wish I could have forecasted this incredible period of suckage. I guess I must have failed to see the sure tale signs that are now obvious to me. let's consult the not-so-instant replay, bob:
meeeunday:
I had my rescheduled doctor's appointment (one full month later, damn my doc is more popular than the olsen twins). I arrived a full 30 minutes before my appointment. the only empty seat in the place was in between a lady brestfeeding her yard ape, and a couple of blue hairs. I was trying my damnest to resist the temptation to shove that baby out of the way, and jump all over that mammary like a famished hyenna. so I diverted my attention to the people on my right. the older couple were discussing things like morphine drips and in what kind of old folks home they'd like to finish their days. now, this isn't necessarily the type of place I'd like to hang out on my own free time, but it wasn't terrible. they whisked me out of there within a half an hour, because one of the p.a's is A L L about my shit. If I weren't forced to give them most of the money I planned on shoving into the underpants of treasure's strippers, it would have been an entirely pleasant experience.
so now, I'm poorer, but at least half of my face isn't going to fall off and I only lost the "jammin' on the one" episode of the cosby show. I'm stil mad at alison for not calling me to inform me that it was on. anyway, at this point I'm thinking that by thursday, I'll be knee deep in hookers 'n' blow at treasure's and sitting quietly in a surgeon's office will be the furthest thing from my mind.
tuesday:
I spent the better part of the day hocking my nobel peace prize for beer money. that old thing is a dust magnet anyway, and contrary to popular belief, it hasn't helped me score more tail.
wednesday:
I went to 3 different best buys and two blockbusters with the goal of purchasing the extended dvd version of 'fellowship of the ring', yes I know...I'm an uber-dork.
thursday:
reasonably happy from realizing that 'the amazing race' came on that day I did the cabbage patch until I talked to kara. she decided to grace me with her cyber-presence, and my happiness knob was turned one degree higher. she wanted to have dinner with me, and when it became evident that I wasn't going to miss the show, it was changed to a happy hour outting. which later had to be cancelled when I realized that it would conflict with fred's grub schedule. she showed me photogs of her in a swimsuit. unfortunately, this is not a euphemism. damn!
thursday evening-saturday:
the events that have happened in this time period have forced me to ponder if I truly deserve to have a huge "L" tattooed on my forehead.
there you have it,
the suckiest mcsuck in houston
from 3 different femme fatales, who happen to live o u t of town. yes folks, such is the story of my life. hundreds of plans and offers from out of town friends, and yet in my own city I can't get an extra sauce packet for my mcnuggets from the high school drop-out at the drive-thru window even after I shoot her the 'blue steel'
after spending the previous evening working the cell phone trying to get coo-razy, but not even approaching the heights of my jackassery potential, it's surprising that I woke up the next morning relatively early with a genuine smile on my face. most days I'm not exactly ecstatic to be alive first thing in the morning, but most days aren't july 4th. this is enough to make any tub of poopy poo grin the goofiest of grins. I was determined not to let my current dogsitting predicament get in the way of fireworks, hot dogs, women, and beer.
but, alas it was not so. this weekend must have had to dislocate its jaw to eat this much dick.
being single [edit] r u l e s !
something good HAD to come out of my misery, and I like to think that it did. it seems that yours truly has finally found the cadillac (!) that he's been searching high and low for the past 2 to 3 years. found it two days ago, during a frivolous bidding run on ebay. I was looking for a good full-sized fleet vehicle to turn into a cross between the a-team van, and something that would be worthy of belonging to a true playah like me. it will be called "project: VAnGINA", but said venture has been placed on hold, along with "le party bus", and the "merkur stretch limo". because I was so excited to have a magnificent detroit specimen at my disposal, I failed to read that it was located several states away. fuck it, the details could have said there were several dead canine fetuses in the glove compartment and I would have replied, "sweet, dude! I love puppies!". anyway, cross your fingers and pray that when the auction ends I'm still the high bidder.
I wish I could have forecasted this incredible period of suckage. I guess I must have failed to see the sure tale signs that are now obvious to me. let's consult the not-so-instant replay, bob:
meeeunday:
I had my rescheduled doctor's appointment (one full month later, damn my doc is more popular than the olsen twins). I arrived a full 30 minutes before my appointment. the only empty seat in the place was in between a lady brestfeeding her yard ape, and a couple of blue hairs. I was trying my damnest to resist the temptation to shove that baby out of the way, and jump all over that mammary like a famished hyenna. so I diverted my attention to the people on my right. the older couple were discussing things like morphine drips and in what kind of old folks home they'd like to finish their days. now, this isn't necessarily the type of place I'd like to hang out on my own free time, but it wasn't terrible. they whisked me out of there within a half an hour, because one of the p.a's is A L L about my shit. If I weren't forced to give them most of the money I planned on shoving into the underpants of treasure's strippers, it would have been an entirely pleasant experience.
so now, I'm poorer, but at least half of my face isn't going to fall off and I only lost the "jammin' on the one" episode of the cosby show. I'm stil mad at alison for not calling me to inform me that it was on. anyway, at this point I'm thinking that by thursday, I'll be knee deep in hookers 'n' blow at treasure's and sitting quietly in a surgeon's office will be the furthest thing from my mind.
tuesday:
I spent the better part of the day hocking my nobel peace prize for beer money. that old thing is a dust magnet anyway, and contrary to popular belief, it hasn't helped me score more tail.
wednesday:
I went to 3 different best buys and two blockbusters with the goal of purchasing the extended dvd version of 'fellowship of the ring', yes I know...I'm an uber-dork.
thursday:
reasonably happy from realizing that 'the amazing race' came on that day I did the cabbage patch until I talked to kara. she decided to grace me with her cyber-presence, and my happiness knob was turned one degree higher. she wanted to have dinner with me, and when it became evident that I wasn't going to miss the show, it was changed to a happy hour outting. which later had to be cancelled when I realized that it would conflict with fred's grub schedule. she showed me photogs of her in a swimsuit. unfortunately, this is not a euphemism. damn!
thursday evening-saturday:
the events that have happened in this time period have forced me to ponder if I truly deserve to have a huge "L" tattooed on my forehead.
there you have it,
the suckiest mcsuck in houston
7.03.2003
7.02.2003
wouldn't it be nuts if you were driving along and there actually was a guy shaped like that crossing the street? hmmm...inspired.
crosswalk dude could also be accompanied by mrs. crosswalk and crosswalk jr.
p.s. anyone know about the legallity of placing objects in the middle of the street?
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