I wrote a hit play

a man with a master plan

one day I intend to buy a saturn from that dealership you used to see in the commericals way up in alaska and drive it down the length of the panamerican highway, stopping in all the fun places like roadhouses in honduras and tabacalerias in nicaragua, to see if I can get myself killed in some kinky, extraordinary way. if it all works out and I make it down to the end of the continent, I intend to push the saturn into the ocean and fly home.

sincerely,

stanvelocity.com

Posted by Stan at 1/30/2004 | Permalink

a rare treat

this afternoon I had the pleasure of spending more than an hour picking señor benji menendez's brain. this first-class gentleman is one of the titans of the tobacco industry. we smoked a spanish rosado, drank coffee, and I listened to his stories about cuban, tobacco, and his philosophy on women.

celebrity sightings:
jessica simpson and her mom. (sorry chicks, no nick)

Posted by Stan at 1/29/2004 | Permalink

classic!

I'm in jaaaail...get me out. lock'd up, bitch!
-brad's message from the clink, real world: san diego

Posted by Stan at 1/27/2004 | Permalink

I'm so lazy

today was a day of sloth. in retrospect I've done (or haven't done) things that have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm pretty fuckin' lazy. examples:

one time I didn't feel like microwaving the popcorn. so I just ripped the bag open and sucked on the kernels.

I usually delay going to the restroom to minimize the times I have to get up to make a trip to the pisser. this seems a bit unhealth, but then again, when have I worried about that?

I don't check my mailbox anymore. the mailman just drops it off on my front door after my mailbox becomes stuffed after a few days.

if my power goes out, I only reset my clocks again when it's right at or just after the hour, else I punch too many buttons.

I never hit the shift key, only to capitalize "I". because I'm that important.

in college there was a stretch of a few weeks where I'd just buy new clothes instead of doing laundry.

instead of having to go to the store to get dog food, and then having to get up and put food in the dog dish, I just don't feed my dog. when that dog dies, I get a new dog. the new dog then eats the old dog and the process repeats. I'm on dog number 69. those peta bastards are getting irritated with me.

I need a wife/maid.


"it's not that I'm lazy, bob, it's just that I don't care"

Posted by Stan at 1/23/2004 | Permalink

they die in threes

1. actress ann miller
2. the mars rover
3. benniffer

...may the dixie chicks will die tomorrow.

Posted by Stan at 1/23/2004 | Permalink

mystery caller

my esplendidos are on a jumbo jet, hoping the big pond en route to me. and that is today's gratuitous cigar talk. alison will l o v e me for that.

that being said, let's get down to the dirt, shall we?

okay, I've been ripping my hair out because last week, a girl called and left a message on my voice mail, which I accidentally deleted. by the snipets I was able to put together, I figured that it was my friend kara. unfortunately, kara said that she hadn't called when I asked her, so I'm in the dark now. if you were the one that called me, let me know. I apologize for not calling you back. I'm not a flake. really.

I get six or nine calls a month total. it shouldn't be that difficult to keep track of who calls me. grrrr, hulk MAD!

don't jump to conclusions. I don't get a lot of calls because I do ninety-five percent of my communication through my computer or in person. I'm not completely pathetic.

well maybe I am, but at least it's not because nobody calls me.

aside from freaking out about the phone thing, I'm actually having out of town company over next weekend for the superbowl. its been so long since I've hit the hot spots in this town that I fear they may no longer be in business. all the places I've frequented lately consist of sushi and/or date-type places, and the whorehouses. whoops! there I go thinking outloud again. it would be so much easier if I were living in austin...or new orleans.

my cigar friends want me to make an appearance at a superbowl pre-party. I get the feeling that stacy won't be down for that.

Posted by Stan at 1/22/2004 | Permalink

nice package

this afternoon I was surprised with a box containing some ashton vsg and avo domaine cigars. and a greeting card with monkeys. I love monkeys...and midgets.

that is all

p.s. what is up with all these random packages I'm getting? maybe people actually DO love me.

Posted by Stan at 1/22/2004 | Permalink

room 122

we all made it back across the border...barely. some of us had to borrow money, err brian, to be allowed to leave mejico. so much for saving money to actually get back to the states. a whopping 50 cents.

my only regret, aside from eating that pigeon meat hotdog in front of the "cigar" shop, was not getting that chick's number. she's from austin, goes to UT. serendipity will bring us together again.

that "lick my pussy AAAAAND my crack" song. whatever the fuck its called.

Posted by Stan at 1/19/2004 | Permalink

garbage day

have you ever seen street signs that've been turned so that it says the street you're on is the street you're crossing and vice-versa? I've always cursed this as the product of degenerate punks who climb the poles and turn the signs the wrong way. I was wrong. turns out this is caused by big garbage trucks who take corners a little too closely and hit the signs and rotate them 90° in the process. who knew?

I'm now convinced that these same garbage trucks are all filled with pairs of sneakers with their laces tied together, coughing a pair up onto the telephone wires every time they bump the sign poles. that would explain everything.

Posted by Stan at 1/14/2004 | Permalink

attention

if you wanna date me, you'll get two things:

1. an education on the world and how it works
2. plenty of you know what

end of list.

plenty of candidates, but no front runners. the girl I'm looking for isn't looking for me. she is comfortable with herself. is her own person. and has the type of mind I communicate well with. it is rare to find a girl with the type of intellect I seek. and if she can't challenge me, I'm like "sorry chick".

that is all.

Posted by Stan at 1/08/2004 | Permalink

season premier

of the real world: san diego. I'm more than a little embarrassed that I still watch this drivel, but know that many of you are doing so as well. that being said, after catching last night's episode I think this could be an entertaining bunch (expect for the token black dude, jacqueses...he's this installment's simon). the girls could be very interesting, especially cameran from the deep south. admiteddly, she did nothing for me at first but when she discussed her vibrator (you should just see her rocket up my ranks) very early in the game I was hooked. also, the alcohol factor looks to be quite high. could be a fairly good one on the heels of a pretty tired paris bunch.

the teasers look very very promising. especially the girl-on-girl action. here's to a season full of sexual deviance and drunk goings-ons.

Posted by Stan at 1/07/2004 | Permalink

the rockstar mythos is not a lie, my friends...

Posted by Stan at 1/05/2004 | Permalink

habanos up the ace...

in an effort to retain my crown as "the lamest person on the face of the earth", I'm updating this here journal instead of being at the art museum to revel in the final day of one of the greatest visiting exhibits in modern history.

lately I have made some serious progress with the last layout that I had to do. I think that all the action I've been getting may be getting to me because I've been having vision problems of late. my eyesight has been blurry and I've been getting headaches. sitting in front of the computer has accentuated these headaches, so I haven't been able to spend as much time as I would like doing the graphics and coding for these layouts.

nevertheless, I trudged along and got something out there. unfortunately, you cats can't look at my super duper secret work in progress. only those priveledged few who I occasionally email/aim previews to. I'm not particularly proud of it. I suppose the only thing that you can say about it is that it's better than a fuckin' template. I'm considering overhauling it, but not for a couple of days or so. the stan layout making machine is out of commission for a while.

yesterday I had to take a break from my ode to mediocrity to get some country air into my lungs. and to deliver a cuban stick for my friend to give to his bubby how was also wounded in iraq with him. this guy is getting one of my ramon allones specially selected. a fantastic smoke, I hope he likes it. and doesn't totally gnaw the end off it like some uneducated cigar "smokers" do. nothing pains me more than to see someone boggart a smoke. but enough of that.

anyway, what the fuck is up with guys drinking smirnoff ice? yesterday while sitting in the middle of a field cooking brats, drinking beer, and braving the gale force winds I discussed this dude's obvious homosexuality due to the fact that he was sipping on that horrid beverage.

so I've decided that homosexuality is totally dependant on your choice of beverage and not being attracted to people of the same sex as was prevously thought. update the textbooks.

tonight I might get together with a friend. a very very late rendezvous. so now I leave, and hopefully my day/night will continue until the sun comes up and I will have successfully beaten the night once more. screw you. I have more tenacity than the moon.

cheers,

night owl

Posted by Stan at 1/04/2004 | Permalink