I wrote a hit play

in the time of chimpanzee I was a monkey...

this entry was inspired by the lone trick or treater I faced this hallow's eve

today I saw a kid wearing a rhinoceros footie pajamas. I was suddenly overcome with nostalgia for some one-piece sleepwear.

those things are responsible for at least one scar on my melon, and many other childhood injuries. I remember taking turn 6, or was it 9? at a high rate of speed in my living room and my feet just slipped out from under me. the damn footsie part was worn thin and I had zero traction.

can you imagine wearing those now? tremendous. my first night in those bad boys I know there would be a fire in my block and I would be caught in the background of one of those "joe in the street" interviews on the nightly news.

okay, I have been seriously been looking for a pair of adult size footie pajamas. and I found them! but now that I look at the people who wear them on the web site, I'm not so sure about the idea anymore. I am further bolstered in my hesitation by the fact that the mailing/ordering address is newdale, idaho, napoleon dynamite country. I'm gonna have to sleep on this...in my old jammies.

I'm such a loser

Posted by Stan at 10/31/2005 | Permalink

insert title here

I used my friend's toaster oven to crispen a piece of a baguette last night. actually, it is called a "toast-r-oven." why do they spell it like that? you don't see hardware stores selling hamm-r and nails. and why do they call it a twin bed if it's only big enough for one person to sleep on? these things bother me.

Posted by Stan at 10/30/2005 | Permalink

sucky fridays

I'm grounded in houston this weekend. no home games in austin, people have sunday weddings to attend, bachelor parties in north carolina, temporary assignments in nyc. I'm still recovering from the astros poor showing in the world series. so is my boy sto.

our plans to watch primo 70s porn fell through this evening. his sister is visiting from mississippi, so it's being postponed until further notice. meanwhile, I am left without plans on a friday night. what's a boy to do? I guess I will just watch a movie or listen to music and call it a night. what a wild life I live.

my nose has been itchy all day and the constant suspicious scratching is sure to lead people to believe that I'm all hopped up on the coke or that I am just a nose picker. I don't deny the latter, but at least I have the decency to do it in private. stupid weather.

I am getting kinda tired of the stream of consciousness thing I have going here. I think I should settle into topics. what do you think america?

funny Story: this guy that runs errands for us, who is 23, has been eyeing this 'hottie' who works at the jack in the box a few streets over from our place of business for a few days now. yesterday, she walks into the eating area in plain clothes as he is eating and his jaw drops. as she comes over and talks to him, she tells him that she's not working because it's her birthday. when he asks her how old she is, she says...SIXTEEN YEARS OLD! can you say 'statutory' boys and girls? I don't think he will be enjoying the fine delicacies of the jack in the crack for quite some time. que embarassing.

Posted by Stan at 10/28/2005 | Permalink

breakfast observations...

I'll be cigar shop and everyone will have finished their whataburger meals and just talking and lounging. then after about 5 minutes I can't hold back any more, I have to clear everyone's garbage away. I collect it all and take it to the trash can to comments like, "oh thank you stan" and "you're so nice stan." I give them an appreciative smile but inside I know I'm doing this not out of ettiquette or good manners but because of something sick inside of me. I'm not polite, I have a problem.

I was at breakfast yesterday morning. my knife was not very clean but that didn't phase me a bit. but before the waitress came back to clear the table, I had consolidated all of the plates and silverware in an orderly pyramid stack so that she could take them away easily in one fell swoop.

I'm at a party mixing myself a bourbon and coke. I mix, I taste...and then I collect all the empty cups and beer cans off the table and put them in the trash.

"let's invite stan to our party"
"you like him?"
"not really, but he'll clean inconspicuously DURING our party."
"sweet!"

I make it home from the cigar shop and shower the smoke from my body. before I get in my bed I look at the small budha I bought in san francisco. some lady in chinatown convinced me to buy it with the promise it would "chill me out." I settle into bed....lay on my back....close my eyes....and wonder if the budha is a little crooked.

p.s. I'd like to issue a public apology to stacy for passing out like a pussy before everyone left. I woke up after she pretty much was done cleaning, leaving her the bulk of the clean up work. I asure you my timing was purely coincidental.

p.p.s. oh and I should have emptied out my cooler before I left. whoops. damn, I suck.

Posted by Stan at 10/24/2005 | Permalink

and all is right in the world...

texas jumps usc for the top-spot in the bcs standing. it's been over 20 years, life is good.

Posted by Stan at 10/24/2005 | Permalink

sign of true love...

is when a girl volunteers to let you put your cigars inside her hermes birkin bag. now, I had no idea what the fuck that was until I was having breakfast with stacy at z tejas this morning and she told me how expensive and extremely hard to get they are.

she would have flipped out if she knew that I have probably used that purse as a pillow at times.

Posted by Stan at 10/23/2005 | Permalink

I'm tired and I have to trek up to austin in a few hours, so I'm keeping this short.

looking forward to a tiny get together at the four seasons with my friend b.j. so, yes, I'm feeling in better spirits today.

huge football day tomorrow. early morning, late night. espn college gameday, changing dirty diapers, smoking cigars, tailgate hopping, drinking beer(s).

yeah, I'm probably going to end up deleting this entry, but I just didn't want that poorly written spoof letter entry to be up on the current page for another day. you understand, right?

this is piss poor.

I hope to come back from austin rejuvenated and back to my ol' self.

Posted by Stan at 10/21/2005 | Permalink

girls and chainmails...

my fingers are slowly becoming arthritic from the useless minutes I spend dispelling chainmail myths to my female friends. yet, they still feel the urge to continue to send me such e-rubbish. I can almost set my watch as to when I'll be receiving them from certain people. I'm fed up with all of the got damn forwards from a celebrity saying that the leukemia society would get a penny for every person that it was forwarded to. I've come up with the following:

hello. my name is don magic juan, and I am a panderer, or to the layperson, a pimp. I have an established empire of hos and bitches that dates back to the early 1970s. for most of my carreer, my business has boomed, because frankly, it just isn't that difficult to find someone who wants to get laid. however, I have recently stumbled upon difficult times. there has been a recent outbreak of venereal disease among my bitches. this is difficult for me for several reasons. first of all, it is difficult to pimp one's hos when they have a reputation of being nasty freak hos, or to the white people, diseased. people have less desire to get freaky with a contageous ho. secondly, I feel bad about bitch slapping a sick ho. it takes the sport out of hitting them if they aren't healthy.

the purpose of this letter is not to hear my whining about my troubles or to clog up your inbox. the purpose of this letter is to find help to cure all of our problems. with each person that you forward this to, the American Medical ASSociation will recieve $0.69 to aid in the research of venereal diseases. when these diseases become more easily treatable or even curable, life will become one hundred and ten percent better for all of us, myself included. I need to regain status as the flyest ass pimp in all the land, and without the cures and research I will never do so. if you could see the light glimmer off of my smiling gold capped tooth and my pimp cup after I bitch slap a healthy ho, you would not think twice about sending this to all of your friends. besides, I know how many of you have been with my nasty hoes. most of my clients are on this list. do this for your own good.

pimpstastically yours,

don magic juan

Posted by Stan at 10/19/2005 | Permalink

the odds are pretty good, but the goods are pretty odd...

I'm sure that's the name of an indie record, or at least should be.

HUGE disclaimer: I often worry about people not getting my sense of humor. I'm not worried that they think I'm unfunny, I worry that they take what I say seriously. I say some really off the wall stuff sometimes, and I'm not sure people always get that I'm kidding.

having said that...go on with the borophyll.

it has taken a long time for me to come to this realization, but I've decided that I need to...well there's no easy way to put this so I'll go ahead and say it; I need to go to hang out with uglier girls.

you might be asking yourself, "why, stan, would you want to give up all the fine young women in your circle of friends?"

I'll tell you, fine reader.

first of all, my work productivity would dramatically improve if the quality of womanage were lowered. it's extremely difficult to pay attention at the office or meetings when I have to look forward to weekends of hanging out with straight gas. the weather is cooling, so the girls are getting more dolled up. don't they know they are interfering with my financial future?

secondly, a good 97.69% of the women I hang out with are either married or out of my league. yet, they totally ruin my game by inadvertently cockblocking me. no chick is going to approach me when they see me talking to a girl with a huge rock on her finger. they'll assume we are together. psssshh, let me tell you something -- a lyle lovett gets to marry a julia roberts only once every century.

when I do actually get to talk to one of these girls, and they get to see how sensitive, caring and downright foxy the stan is, they are never interested in being more than just friends.

is it too much to ask to be someone's freakaaaay love thing just once?

please?

if the girls I hung out with were uglier, I'd probably be a lot more approachable.

I'd probably have a more swinging social life too.

now when I say ugly, I don't mean like fergie from the black eyed peas ugly. I just mean less perfect than the current population of women I befriend. I like the slightly damaged. they are a l w a y s more interesting and just as sexy, only in different ways.

I feel like a pathetic jerk for having written this.

sincerely,

a grain of salt

Posted by Stan at 10/18/2005 | Permalink

[b]damn the cardinals[/b]

the day after a big party is always so unproductive. I can't even begin to imagine how lazy I would be had I been drinking a lot last night.

I woke up initially at 4:27am. I got a random call from some chick named louise, but that's a whole 'nother entry and, frankly, I'm far too lazy to bang that out. this is far earlier than I planned on getting up, so I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. after about an hour and a half of drifting in and out of consciousness, I gave up.

I didn't, however, have the will to get out of bed.

I turned on my lamp and had my choice of three books to read. this would be fantastic if I felt like reading about plagues, motorcycle trips around the world, or about lbj.

instead I reached for an old magazine that was at the bottom of the stack, because I am, in fact, a lazy bastard.

I got fed up and decided to count sheep and force myself to sleep.

but yeah, I didn't even leave my room until about 7:30am today. this is a new record for laziness.

I did, however, swing by a mcdonalds on my drive into the office today. my love for the mcgriddle (first tried this delicacy the morning before the tx-ou game) is strong like bull.

it made me happy.

speaking of things that make me happy, a lovely girl gave me an unsolicited back massage at the bar last night. the moaning was probably inappropriate, but it had been so long.

it just occurred to me about 6 or 9 seconds ago that I probably won't have to time leave for lunch today. I guess it's okay, seeing as how I don't think that sitting in my desk chair burns a lot of calories.

I should have stayed home today to get things done. I probably would have done a half-assed job with anything I attempted, so maybe it's a good thing. maybe I should just wait until I can put my whole ass into whatever it is I was going to do today.

well, I'm feeling uninspired right now. I think I'm going to end this. I'm just giving you a pink taster spoon sized entry today to make up for that horribly shitty and obscure entry from sunday. actually, I can't think anymore. I'm having trouble typing and completing sentences, so I'll spare you from my attempts. my brain is turning to mush, I can feel it.

blah.

Posted by Stan at 10/18/2005 | Permalink

still in austin...

thinks I like about a girl's apartment:

there's always food in the icebox, along with assorted beverages.
even in a rental, the walls are always painted a different color other than white.
lots of pillows and blankets for me to build a fort on their couch as I'm watching the football games on sundays
beds are super comfortable
if I'm ever bored I can always look at the hundreds of pictures of just hotass
plenty of chick magazines to read. I learned the k. dunst is dating o. bloom
always plenty of toilet paper


things I hate:
shitty electronics
cd/dvd collection is teh suck
I can't walk through the bedroom or bathroom without getting my feet tangled on a bra, shirt, skirt or some article of clothing.
ridiculous rules like: you have to use a coaster before setting your drink down or you can't invite strippers over to party.

that is all


p.s. having a blast this weekend. even met debra messing...more on that later.

Posted by Stan at 10/16/2005 | Permalink

hollyweird...

I have a friend that is pretty well connected in la-la land. no, not one of those pretend actors that actually works as a waiter while he picks up a random audition here and there. this guy is "in". one of the best perks of being his chum -- aside from the sweet party hook up he gives me -- is that he feeds me all this gossip. most of the time I don't really give a shit, that is unless he's fedexing me paris' entire sex tape before it made it onto the internet [he said britney has one, and will get me a copy as soon as he gets his....score]. but every once in a while he feeds me a gem like this.

he has a friend that works for the guy(s) behind "the surreal life". she just wrapped the final show and begin working on the next one. she says that on monday, she is starting shooting on "flavor of love." basically, it is like the bachelor, but the bachelor is flavor flav. they brought in a bunch of chicks last week to be on the show, and then they brought a doctor in to do physicals, and they had to cut half of the contestants because they had stds.

they've been scrambling since then to fill the show before monday.

I ran this past liz 6 or 9 minutes ago. she wasn't surprised as according to some study she just read 4 out of 4 sexually active kids have, or have had, and std.

dang, vaginas are more dangerous than loaded guns now.

sincerely,

the 10th dentist

Posted by Stan at 10/14/2005 | Permalink

poker dorks...

so when it became painfully obvious that the astros were going to drop game 1 in the nlcs last night, we decided to do what any red blooded pussy would do in the same situation...and that is to flip the channel.

I was driving the tv and methodically working my way up the channels secretly hoping to catch a re-run of "laguna beach" on mtv or somethin'. right as I was in the vicinity of the weather channel (ch. 27), this relative new comer to the group suggested I turn it to the travel channel for some poker action.

the world poker tour. b o r i n g. the commentator kept making reference to a player having a "jack off-suit." a jack-off suit? I need to get me one of those. I'll wear it to the heavy petting zoo.

"an eeeevil pett-ing zoo?"
- dr. evil -- austin powers: the spy who shagged me

seacrest out.

Posted by Stan at 10/13/2005 | Permalink

your call cannot be completed as dialed, please check the number and try again...

message 469.

I had an hour long conference call today at work in which I didn't really participate, just listened. but then at the end when everyone was saying good bye and signing off I added in a relaxed voice, "seacrest out." someone replied, "what?" and I [booop] disconnected myself. ever since then I've been ending all conversations with "seacrest out".

Posted by Stan at 10/12/2005 | Permalink

I stick to my plans...

as well as deadbeat dad to a court ordered payment schedule. this is what was laid out for me prior to my dallas departure:

"Well, it has been a LONG time for all of us, but the hugely anticipated return of the Fastball Friday has returned!!!
Heres' the skinny:

Time: 9ish for fine dining on chicken fingers
Place: VCC (for those who don't know, the Village Country Club) followed by a romp at the Beagle
Date: This Friday!! Oct 7th (TX/OU weekend)

Hope to see you there w/ your drinking shoes on! (Girls who are going to the trunk show, we can go straight there afterwards)

***DISCLAIMER: Kelly will not be held responsible for those of you with bad drunken behavior, dancing on tables/bars, throwing out bad pickup lines to girls (Jeremy and Kev, that means you!), etc, etc. Fastball Friday will also be followed by Fair Day to fill up on plenty of deep friend treats to aid the hangover!

my aggie friend and his wife threw that together for us. it sounded great but kam made a lot of sense when she said "I did not come to dallas to eat fuckin' chicken fingers on a friday night when I'll be eating fried food before and after the game tomorrow". you can't argue against that rock solid logic. so we decided to do our own thing. we went to primo's in the village. we both had the tilapia fish taco. new menu item, I highly recommend and about 11 margaritas.

after dinner we decided to meet up with our other friends that actually went to the vcc. but we inadvertently took the scenic route there. at one point we actually ended up at the fair grounds. if you are familiar with that area at all, you know it is a not a good place to be after dark. despite the sympathy we would have drawn from the crack dealers and hookers with our blasting of "just a lil' bit" by 50 cent and spittin' some young jeezy.

[I got a major case of the laziness and realize it is time to go home, so you get the reader's digest version from now on]

went to the beagle
met an out of towner, my magnetism for distant girls is uncanny
went to my friend's place
back to the ho-tel
woke up, or rather got the urge to piss and never went back to bed, at 6:35am
got to the fair grounds at 8:30am
went to the game
sat next to a lesbian with her shirt collar popped
met up with everyone after the game
witnessed a fight
set up shop at the food pavillion building
tried just about every fried food being sold
drank more beer
walked through the autoshow on our way out
sat on the occ mark vii bike
went to an after party....and sure enough ran into beth
after we finally found our lost compradre we went to uncle julio's
drove back to houston


the end

Posted by Stan at 10/10/2005 | Permalink

words escape me...

this calls for a thorough ass beating [emailed to me by a friend]:

powerbiscuit

I hope cu blasts tu, for their players and their fans

-----

sip283

"I hope cu blasts tu, for their players and their fans"

So you are for the rapists then?


-----

powerbiscuit

quote:So you are for the rapists then?

yeah, you stupid sip, men who rape females are at least men, as opposed to what you sips do to each other

I hope an old arabian course of wishing for someone's genitals to become infested with the fleas of a thousand camels befall upon powerbiscuit so it renders him sterile and unable to conceive a daughter. wouldn't wish the torment of having to go through that trauma on any parent.

Posted by Stan at 10/10/2005 | Permalink

I need chapstick

long weekend. I'm tired. we beat the shit out of ou.

will gladly do it again next year. even at the risk of smelling like fried grease from hanging out at the food buffet where they secretly sell the 5 coupon beer.

Posted by Stan at 10/09/2005 | Permalink

my trek to dallas...


begins now.

my plans have been made. because we all know that I like for other people to think for me. dinning at mi cocina and going to the beagle tonight. if it sucks, I'll probably end up at the old monk or the ale house on knox-henderson.

for those of you going, watch out for the po-lice. get crunk.

Posted by Stan at 10/07/2005 | Permalink

mar-co...

if I was to start a pool company I think I'd call it the 'aca pool company'. I can hear the receptionist now...

by the way, I have been intrigued by villa arabesque ever since I saw 'license to kill', later 'amigas y rivales' and that fox reality show, forget the name they all sound the same.

Posted by Stan at 10/05/2005 | Permalink

rocktober, bitch

when I woke up this morning, I thought all I had to do today was float through work then go to the gym to get my swoll on, and perhaps watch a movie before passing out on the couch. I should really start paying attention to my calendar.

this is texas-ou weekend, bitch. a time when I come up with new ways to redefine sloth and unproductivity. problem is, we are picking up a lot of new business.

I took an early lunch break, so I decided to use the extra time to head out to the store. ol' stan's cupboards are looking kind of bare, and I don't seem to have the motivation to do anything at night anymore, so this seemed like a good opportunity.

I bought a bounty of h.e.b goodness and headed home to put it away before going back to the office. before I left, I decided to stop at the atm next to the bank for a quick top off of my wallet. I think I had some actual pesos in there. that won't get you very far with the gringos....shit, even the federales this days demand greenbacks.

as I pulled away from the atm and motor bank lanes, I noticed a bit of traffic piling up. not this rita shit again. the culprit was a downed power line. this cherry picker had backed into a utility pole which caused it to crack and dropped the power line onto the sidewalk.

the sizzling line was snaking across a bank of bushes causing to hang at windshield height and keeping everyone inside the lot.

I think this is the part where I cursed a lot.

being the man of action that I am, I got my hefty ass out of the car as quickly as I possibly could. As I scanned the lot I noticed there was a sprinkler and fence truck on the adjacent lot. I grabbed a 2x4 and two lenghts of pvc pipes. I used that to drop the line from the bushes onto the ground, despite the pleading from soccer moms to stay away until the power company arrived.

stupid broad. my clients and my money does not wait around for the utility company to take their sweetass time getting there. I was the only one bold enough to drive over it and laughed internally for pimp slapping that minor situation ike turner style as I sped away.

after that delay I went home to stuff my face with my freshly bought groceries.

actually, grabbing lunch consisted of me sitting on the couch eating some left overs in complete disbelief that I just totally risked my life without blinking. It wasn't like I was wearing my superhero tights or anything.

so here I am. banging away at my desk. currently fighting the urge to fall asleep by singing hits by *nsync, o-town and the backstreet boys. I think it's disturbing that I know the words to those songs also. don't worry.

that is all,

standiggitty

Posted by Stan at 10/04/2005 | Permalink