I wrote a hit play

meh...

I'll be in vegas late november-early december.

college football season starts this weekend. and so will my social life.

I keep getting mail for some dude named "adam" from bank of america, despite my numerous "RETURN TO SENDER" letters I return to the mailbitch.

don't know what breakfast casserole is, but stacy is making some saturday morning. love sec girls.

sec girl I went out with on friday wants money from me. well, at least she's honest about her intentions.

Posted by Stan at 8/28/2006 | Permalink

laugh on demand...

okay, so last night I went on one of the crummiest first dates I've been on in... well, a while. at one point, the girl asked me what it sounds like when I laugh. to which I stupidly replied, "I don't really know. I mean, I laugh like a jackass when I'm enjoying myself." not that this was necessarily a bad response, but it was a bit lacking in tact. it didn't matter, since she obviously missed the cue.

eventually, the conversation devolved into her demanding that I laugh for her so she could "see what it sounds like". of course, I couldn't.

/end

Posted by Stan at 8/24/2006 | Permalink

camera adds 10 lbs

while this might be true for people, it certainly does not apply to fish. just saw the photogs from the trip this weekend and the fish look....well like a strung out nicole richie.

I'll post some photog later if I get home at a decent hour. yeah right.

Posted by Stan at 8/22/2006 | Permalink

reason why I won't go to hell...

so about two years ago I was on my way out of this nursing home when I saw this older woman walking out. she had a walker -- you know, with the tennis balls on the feet -- and a bag. she looked like she was struggling so I made an offer to help her which she graciously accepted. anyway, I help her to her car and I asked, "do you have any family in on this side of town?" and she replied, "I have some sisters here that I was visiting." I asked "do they have any children around my age who can help you do things? if not, here is my card with my cell phone number on it. I don't have a real work schedule and I come here often to fix chairs, walkers and deliver supplies, so if at any time you need me to help you do something or even lift something just call me and I'll come over". she said, "oh, my sisters don't have any children. we're all nuns." anyway, I was slightly embarrassed but I told her to keep my number and if she ever needed anything to call. well, she called once about a month later to tell me that she prays for me every day by name. I thought that was kind of cool and figured I'd never hear from her. anyway, everyone knows that I don't pick up calls from numbers not on my caller id but I happened to answer one 5 minutes ago. it was her, she called to tell me that she still prays for me every day by name. I thanked her and told her that should she ever need anything, to call.

how about that? I guess I'm not such a degenerate after all. none of you have your own personal nun. that's right, bitches.

Posted by Stan at 8/14/2006 | Permalink

here's a picture of my...

"son". if I'm going to be accused of having a hidden "wife" and "kid" I might as well show y'all what they look like in case they are running around town "cheating" on me.

Posted by Stan at 8/13/2006 | Permalink

I'm an adulterer...

ok, not really... this is what happened:

a few weeks ago, some friends from austin came in for the cards vs. astros series. after a game we ended up at a sushi restaurant where we befriended the table next to us. they invited us to join them at the after dinner party at pub fiction. it was supposed to be 2 married couples and myself. now, doesn't that sound like fun? 5th wheeling is a w e s o m e! anyway, meredith's husband couldn't make it out after dinner because he had to babysit so there were all these married couples and myself. so, since mereeposa wasn't with anyone, I talked more to her than others at the raise stage/vip section.

this past friday evening I was particularly bored so I texted this girl I had met in padre a few months ago, then comes the phone call.

we'll call her... "trixie". now, trixie and I hung out on the island and went out the island on two consecutive nights. we were supposed to go out in houston after she moved here from austin. I didn't really feel any kind of spark so we never went out again. she never called either so I assumed the feelings were mutual. regardless:

(riiiiiiiing)
hello?
- stan? its trixie
oh, hi
- my friend saw you!
um... saw me what? what friend?
- I can't believe you would do this
hmmm.... do what?
- YOU KNOW WHAT!
actually, I have no idea what you're talking about
- they saw you with your WIFE!
my wife? dudee, I don't know what the hell you are talking about
- I can't believe that you would have asked me out when you are MARRIED! you're such an asshole!
trixi, I'm not married
- YES YOU ARE!! MY FRIENDS SAW YOU! IN PUB FICTION! WITH YOUR WIFE!
pub fiction?
-DON'T FUCKING PLAY DUMB!!
pub fiction.... hmmm... when?
- you, her and all of your friends
all of our friends? OH! that wasn't my wife. that's my friend. I know her and her husband. he couldn't make it out to the bar with us.
- you're lyring
no, I'm not. she's married. they have a son. he isn't mine.
-you're such a liar
you know what? I have to let you go
- I can't belive you're that type of person
hmm... yeah. hmm... I have to go. bye.

I haven't heard from her since, but I'm really eager to see what happens next time I'm out and cheating on my wife again. that's going to be fun.

Posted by Stan at 8/09/2006 | Permalink

under construction...

or something

Posted by Stan at 8/07/2006 | Permalink

hot as shit

I don't know how people lived in the south before a/c. I think that's why life is slower here (although much less so now). when it's hot and there's no a/c, there's nothing you can do but sit as still as you can and fan yourself. and drink iced tea or lemonade. it's not culture, it's necessity.

maybe this is why I'm a big fan of old homes. you know those big houses with high ceilings and large porches? that's how they kept cool before a/c. now everybody lives in little houses with no eves and no porches and tiny windows and low ceilings. they're built to hold heat -- which is good in new england, but not good in the derrty south.

Posted by Stan at 8/07/2006 | Permalink

I have been poisoned...

by our receptionist. she brought a stack of crepes and I must have had one that was laced with soap. can't get the taste out of my mouth and I think it is starting to foam. if I didn't have to fly today I'd go home to start pounding some whiskey and puff on a few cigars to reset my palate. because the flat pepsi I found in the warehouse fridge certainly didn't do the trick.

Posted by Stan at 8/04/2006 | Permalink

whoops, somebody got axed today...

screen cap of this afternoon's online edition of the austin american statesman

clicky (accidental nudity, not safe for work)

yet another reason why I can't wait to move back to austin. this type of shit never happens in houston.

Posted by Stan at 8/02/2006 | Permalink

do I know you?

next time you take a girl to a bar with the objective to interract and perhaps tricking her into peeling off her pants be sure that your fan club won't be meeting there that same night.

fuckers.

Posted by Stan at 8/02/2006 | Permalink

wsop

do you follow poker? I don't. but my friend won a seat and it still in. haven't had much of a chance to talk to him, but he said there's a good chance he might be on tv. I guess I'll have to struggle through the damn broadcast on espn.

Posted by Stan at 8/01/2006 | Permalink